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Strove to find a way to punch people in the face by using the Internet.

9/05/2003

VARIOUS OUT-OF-DATE RECORD REVIEWS

Coldplay: A Rush of Blood to the Head
Blood’s going to rush to the head, alright. Precisely, right to spot I whack with a big stick. This sounds like all those Pink Floyd albums that came out after The Wall. In other words, a fat load of balls.

Ted Leo & The Pharmacists: Tyranny of Distance
“Timorous Me?” Timorous? Looks like I learned a new synonym for gay today. Thanks Ted.

Ted Leo & The Pharmacists: Hearts of Oak
Say, when you figure out where all those rude boys have gone, let me know. I’ve been meaning to have a talk with them about all that fucking ska.

Hot Hot Heat: Make Up the Break Down
The next time you take a promotional photo, do you fashion plates think you could try all staring in the same direction? And while you're at it, how about recording an album that doesn’t make me want to light your balls on fire?

David Cross: Shut Up You Fucking Baby
Is this a comedy album or a liberal-elitist pep rally for English majors and fans of Yo La Tengo? Why, the latter, of course.

Sleater Kinney: Big Onion
This band lucked out. Greil Marcus and Robert Christgau have an easier time whacking off to little alterna-girls than those grimy dykes in Team Dresch. Voila! Instant credibility.

Hot Water Music: Caution
Dude, you stole your video from The Hives. I liked the album where you stole your video from that Disorderlies movie with the Fat Boys a lot better.

Wire: Send
The best Front 242 album you’ll ever buy.

Black Dice: Beaches and Canyons
Dude, we’re supposed to congratulate you on your new, intellectual abstract direction? Do you think we didn’t hear those last two Boredoms records or something? I hope Poison Idea goes over to your house and sits on your face.

Lightning Bolt: Wonderful Rainbow
Dude, play “Eruption” again. And again. And again.

Burning Airlines: Identikit
Maybe this would rock more if you quit moping and just bought some fucking Rogaine. Wait a minute - aren't you a little old to still be doing this?

Girls Against Boys: You Can’t Fight What You Can’t See
The best White Zombie album you’ll ever buy.

Out Hud: Street Dad
Kind of like the Gorillaz if you replaced those little cartoon goblins with smelly punk kids. Depressing.

Isis: Oceanic
Put on a denim vest and pick up the pace a little, alright? Assholes.

The Donnas: Spend the Night
The only way you beasts could get me to spend the night is by slipping me a roofie.

Turbonegro: Scandinavian Leather
Hey, Foghat called. They want their album back.

Songs: Ohia: Electric Magnolia Co.
You made this album on purpose? Merle Haggard shits in your emo mouth.

Iron and Wine: The Creek Drank the Cradle
How about your mouth drinks my urine?

Peaches: The Teaches of Peaches
Hey, Vanity 6 called. They want their album back.

Spoon: Kill the Moonlight
Hey, Joe Jackson called. He wants his album back.

Dirty Three: She Has No strings Apollo
Focus, everyone, focus!

Floor: Octodog!
Sounds like at least one of 'em is queer. Probably the drummer.

Pretty Girls Make Graves: Hoopy Poopy
Just two cases of SlimFast from the big time.

Buzzcocks: Play Horseshoes
"Homo Sapien?" Sure, Pete, whatever you say.

Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds: Eerie Spider
Grandpa Munster.

Placebo: My KY Jelly is on the Nightstand
Like Paul Lynde French kissing Rip Taylor while shopping for antiques at the Ice Capades, only more gay.


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