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Strove to find a way to punch people in the face by using the Internet.

10/17/2003

INTERNET GAME FUN TIME HAPPY
Okay, here's what you do. Copy this entirely, and paste it into a new bulletin. Change all of the answers so that they apply to you. The theory is that you will learn a lot of little facts about your friends. It is fun and easy.

1. WHAT IS YOUR Middle name?
Fuckin', as in Patrick Fuckin' Hughes

2. WHAT kind of PANTS ARE YOU WEARING and what color?
Pants? Pants are for squares, man.

3. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW?
The whine of the death ray, the pleas for mercy.

4. WHAT ARE THE LAST 4 DIGITS OF YOUR PHONE NUMBER?
I'm sorry, you're very attractive, but I'm seeing someone.

5. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE:
Sea urchins with ketchup, frozen mint jelly pancakes and a horseradish omelet.

6. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE?
Hatred.

7. HOW IS THE WEATHER RIGHT NOW?
Look, I told you I'm seeing someone. Back off.

8. LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE?
MacGruff the crime dog. I totally told him about you showing your weiner to those kids, too.

9. THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT THE OPPOSITE SEX?
Hmm, usually the monthly fee for total access to the Web site.

10. DO YOU LIKE THE PERSON WHO SENT YOU THIS?
Who, the Friendster Bulletin Board? Yeah, me and him go holding hands and skipping through the valley every goddamn afternoon.

11. HOW ARE YOU TODAY?
Resplendent in my finery. Festooned with jewels and precious metals.

12. FAVORITE DRINK?
Pootie Tang.

13. FAVORITE ALCOHOLIC DRINK?
Sex on the beach with your mom who's a nun on the moon.

14. FAVORITE SPORTS?
Leprosy, suckerpunching.

15. HAIR COLOR?
Chestnut, with henna highlights and just a hint of burgundy.

16. EYE COLOR?
Hard to tell, what with all the swirling patterns... Look at how they move and swirl... Ahhh...

17. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS?
If you don't go away I'm calling the police.

18. SIBLINGS AND THEIR AGES?
Marvin, 26 - we had to put him in a home after that thing with the diesel air compressor and, um, his ass. And then there's Shirlene, 19, who just got herself voted Best Mustache over there at Cell Block 6B. We're all very proud.

19. FAVORITE MONTH?
Gaytober, Funtember or maybe Painuary.

20. FAVORITE FOOD?
Depends.

...What? Uh, no. I meant the diaper.

21. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED?
Double feature: Ernest Totally Gets Whacked in The Nuts and The Neverending Boring.

22. FAVORITE DAY OF THE YEAR?
Tuesday.

23. ARE YOU TOO SHY TO ASK SOMEONE OUT?
I'm kind of old-fashioned, so I prefer to take it slow, talk to a girl's parents, send roses or chocolates and write a letter or two before asking her out, a romantic dinner and cramming it up the ol' pooper.

24. DO YOU LIKE SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDING.
Please phrase your question in the form of a question. Dumbass.

25. SUMMER OR WINTER?
Hrrmmm... Lemme see... I'll take summer that tater salad, and summer that nanner puddin'.

26. HUGS OR KISSES?
If you take one more step toward me I'm gonna brain you with this here tire iron.

28. CHOCOLATE OR VANILLA?
I ain't prejudiced.

29. DO YOU WANT YOUR FRIENDS TO WRITE BACK?
Hmmmm... No.

30. WHO IS MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND?
Benito Mussolini, that card.

31. WHO IS LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND?
The Buzzcocks?

32. WHAT BOOKS ARE YOU READING?
Getting the Most Out of Your Parole Experience, How to Beat Up Children, Hitler: Misunderstood Friend of All Kittens and Harry Potter Can Suck My Dick.

33. WHAT'S ON YOUR SCREEN SAVER?
Melancholy tribute to Roy, brave departed lion tamer that he was. What? He's not dead yet? That fuckin' queer.

34. FAVORITE BOARD GAME?
Hungry, Hungy Homeless.

35. WHAT DID YOU DO LAST NIGHT?
Nothing. I told the police that I went straight home after work and was asleep by 8:30 and i'm sticking by my story.

36. FAVORITE SMELLS?
Ice cubes, bathtub caulk, fingernails.

37. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU THINK OF WHEN YOU WAKE UP IN THE MORNING?
Now THAT is one spectacular boner!

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