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Strove to find a way to punch people in the face by using the Internet.

7/12/2004

MORE ADVICE FOR CHILDREN
Yeah, kids, I know. This batch isn’t as funny as the first one. Look, Uncle Patrick is trying to hold down a job, alright? So give him a break.

An important rule of thumb for fishing: the shallower the water, the closer you are to the top of the food chain.

I don't care if it's Burger King or Ritzy McShittington's — if you’re a dick to the help, you’re going to be eating a loogie.

Conversely, nobody gives a shit how busy you are, or how the shift manager fucked up your schedule. If you can't handle the job, get another one. Don't take it out on us. In the meantime, your tip will be one shiny penny.

A little lotion never hurt. Yes, I'm talking about what you do with your ding-dong, Chappy.

Dolphins are all smiley and frolick-y and shit on TV, where they solve problems, rescue kittens and do flips. In the wild, they're as big as Volkswagens and twice as fast. Not to mention totally evil and smart enough to really fuck with you.

For that matter, no other wild animal ever acts like it does on TV, or in a Disney movie. Unless that Disney movie is Claw Claw the Bear Feasts on Your Entrails. Those cute squirrels with the fluffy tails? Tree rats. They bite.

There's a big difference between being bitter or cynical, and just being flat-out mean.

Quick — what's the worst job in the world? Wrong! It's picking watermelons. Big-ass 20-pound "jubilee" watermelons, out in the hot Florida sun all day. This is the worst job in the world. Now, while no honest work should ever be beneath you, you really should try to avoid this job. Well, unless you're part of a gang of big muscle-bound redneck gorillas that thinks it'll just be hi-fucking-larious to throw those things overhand as hard as you can at that skinny punk-rocker dude with the gay haircut who has to catch 'em and put 'em in the truck. Haw haw haw, ain't we having some watermelon fun now, motherfucker! Shit.

All the tradition, bowing, belts and ki in the world won't keep your ass from getting whooped.

The discovery on an afro puff down there can be daunting, sure, but think about this — a little too much topiary sculpting might mean she's showing it off to a larger audience than you've been led to believe. I'm just sayin'.

For fuck's sake, just go ahead and pop that disgusting blister. It won't get infected, and you know the damn thing is going to bust open sometime anyway.

Try to not believe in things. Most people frankly aren't qualified to have a belief, and when they go ahead and do it anyway it almost always makes the world a shittier place.

Look here, Spooky. You're not really a vampire.

You are also not really a ninja.

Really tough guys do not have orange-y tanning-booth tans and six-pack ab muscles. They look like Harley Race.

And, by the way, wrestling was a whole lot better when it was fat guys in underpants pretending to fight. It was called "wrasslin," and it was real.

Don't use "energy" as a synonym for "every fucking stupid made-up tarot-card bullshit scam of which my foolish hippie brain can conceive."

Now that you’ve got yourself a handful of that lotion, take some time with the whole thing. Pour yourself a glass of wine. Light a candle. Pace yourself — the Internet isn't going anywhere.

Contrary to popular belief, you don't become a geek because you're smarter than everyone else. You become a geek because your social skills are retarded. While you're off administering a Linux system, the rest of us are kissing girls. So the tech support guys can be as snide as they want. The minute the clock strikes 5, we win.

Tofu is OK. Just don't make it a cause.

Neither your IPod nor your cell phone is impressing anyone. Well, anyone that counts.

The rest of the country can make fun of Florida all they want, but if air conditioning had never been invented all that shit would still be their problem.

There's a little-known law that says if you wear one of those tennis visors when you're not playing tennis the rest of us get to hit you with rocks.

That stripper doesn't really like you.

All the local bands are terrible. If they were any good, they wouldn't be begging everyone for "support."

Curiosity is good, but remember — there are a lot of things out there that, if you go research them, will stick in your brain. Forever. Like "bukkake." So be cautious. Once some shit like bukkake gets in there, it ain’t never coming out. You could be in the middle of a job interview or something, and your brain might start whispering, "Bukkake. Bukkake. Bukkake."

A wise man once said, "If she can take the occasional punch without running off and crying to the cops, she's probably worth keeping around." Hmmm... Wait a minute... Did I type that out right? Shit, who the hell told me that, Ike Turner? Christ, that's terrible. Kids, maybe you ought to hold off on this one until further notice.

The guy who drinks beer out of green bottles is not really your friend. I know, I totally stole this from someone. But I can't for the life of me remember who it was, and it bears repeating.

Stinky armpits are not a statement; political, fashion or otherwise.

Boozing and drugs and all that is OK; for a while anyway, when you're young. But when it comes to getting involved with that stuff, remember two very important words: diminishing returns.

Planning to put that funny butt-plug story on the Internet? Or the thing about your drunken, failed high school threesome? Be forewarned — even if you don't use her name and haven't seen her in a decade or more, she's going to read it.

Say you find yourself drinking with George Rebelo, the drummer for Hot Water Music, and a couple of sexy, giggly, tattooed punk-rock girls. And say — this is just total conjecture here, by the way — these girls promise you guys a few hours of naughty fun if you'll kiss George right on the mouth. Now, if you’re sitting there and everyone's taking turns shaving your left leg and this far-fetched situation does come to pass, I recommend going ahead and kissing George, even if you're not especially inclined. Because you know that horndog George won't object, and it'll be over soon, and you can be more or less sure George's tongue slipping in there for a second is accidental — or, wait, even better, a hallucination — and then you'll get to see two sexy punk-rock girls naked, and touch their boobies and stuff and it'll totally be worth it. But if for some crazy reason this unlikely scenario occurs, maybe you should skip peeing in that big ceramic bowl by the couch as a prank, even if nobody will see you. Maybe a cat sleeps there. Cats get all weirded out and territorial about pee. Anyway, this is all hypothetical.

It takes longer than you might expect for leg hair to grow back. Wearing long pants all through the hot Gainesville summer can be mighty uncomfortable.

By the way, learn from George’s mistake — if you get busted having sex with Skinhead Katrina around the side of the house during a party, and some outraged girl wanting to know if you had a condom asks if you "used anything," do not grin and say, "Yup! I grabbed a tree branch for support!" Actually, now that I think about it... What the fuck. I take it back. That's exactly what you should say.

Oh, I almost forgot — you probably shouldn't have sex with Skinhead Katrina.

If you do have sex with Skinhead Katrina, and you do it around the side of the house during a party, know that you will never live it down. Your asshole friends will be putting that shit on the Internet 10 years later. You didn't even know the Internet was going to be invented, did you? Ha ha! Should've kept it in your pants, Caligula.

Plan for the future. For example, if you live in an abandoned house and you get pissed off and kick through the wall, or take a bunch of drugs and shoot out a few windows, that shit will be really, really cold come winter.

Also, if the hot water heater quits working during this time, you might look and see if it has a breaker switch that can be flipped before you freeze your ass off all winter trying to take showers in a room with a hole in the wall.

Unless you were raised by wolves, having to deal with the dirty dishes by moving them out of the kitchen sink and into the bathtub should be looked upon as a personal failure. If you leave them in the tub for a month because it's too damn cold to take a shower with that wind blowing through the hole in the wall... Well, you just managed to erase about 10,000 years of civilization. Good going, Chaka.

Last, but certainly not least: You should listen to Thin Lizzy at least once a week.

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