Strove to find a way to punch people in the face by using the Internet.


Fun with Science, Part 1
In the modern world, where most folks are dumber than a fucking bag of rocks, science is little understood. Or, despite the innumerable benefits of science we experience throughout the day, even viewed with disdain and suspicion — how often have you heard the word used in a pejorative way? Yes, for many, “science” evokes misguided or even sinister goings-on off in some secret lab.

Compounding the problem are the hippies, mystics, graduate students in cultural studies, religious nuts and other such dipshits or charlatans who are fond of using the term to add a little authority to their chosen brand of made-up bullshit, referring to any vague discipline with its own jargon as a science and further degrading our understanding of its role and importance in almost every aspect of modern life.

In short, I find it useful to think of science as a process; a strategy that reduces the subjectivity inherent in the human experience. Of course, I also like to think of science as misguided or sinister goings-on in some secret lab, because that’s where you get zombies and weird powers and experiments gone haywire and other shit that makes movies with giant, intelligent sharks fun to watch.

Although I’d like to champion the former perspective here, I have a really short attention span, so if something doesn’t involve drinking, boobies or violence, I can’t be bothered. So, not having actually any aptitude for serious, tedious scientific study, I’m only qualified to champion the haywire-type stuff. Hell, maybe if some kid is reading this, he’ll start out interested in scientific mayhem and migrate over to the kind that involves bona-fide book-learnin’. I think that’d be great. You paying attention, kids? Don’t do drugs, stay in school.

So I’m a big proponent of looking around for the kinds of cool experiments one can integrate into everyday life, just to keep your personal awareness of science piqued. But this can be a challenge. For example, my youthful, innocent interest in homemade explosives can’t be recommended — these days, igniting a toilet-paper tube filled with scraped-out model-rocket fuel and black powder and other such lighthearted foolin’ around will get John Ashcroft to shitcan your ass faster than a Reichstag burns, and you don’t want to end up at the bottom of a dogpile in that damn Abu Ghraib. And I have an ethical problem with stuff like giving your dog bong hits, no matter how much he likes it, or how hilarious it is.

For these reasons, I think it’s good to start with experimenting with yourself. See what’s it’s like to drink a six-pack at 6 a.m. Look in the fridge — mint jelly, what’s that for? What does it taste like on a peanut butter sandwich? What happens if you add coffee grounds? Horseradish? But this is entry-level stuff. It’s all in good fun, but soon you’ll want to graduate to some more in-depth style inquiry.

One time I realized I had gone a whole day without eating or drinking anything but Yoo Hoo. “Here’s my chance for some top-notch science fun,” I thought, and determined to go as long as possible surviving on nothing but Yoo Hoo.

I lasted four days, quitting after the little dancing Yoo Hoo gremlins in my peripheral vision started looking at me with pity. For the first two days, I was giddy and chock full of sugary vigor. But by the end of my experiment I was dizzy, eight pounds lighter and was experiencing some strange gas symptoms… Or more of a wind, really… A cool, chocolately breeze that constantly blew out of my ass. Oh well, I regret nothing. Though the gremlins left after I ate some spaghetti, and I kind of feel like there was a missed opportunity with Bobo, the shy gremlin with the nice rack. Definitely some sparks there. Ah, Bobo. Do you ever think of me, I wonder? Do you ever long to once again feel the caress of my chocolatey breeze?

Next week: Fun with Science Part 2, where we find out what happens when I take a week off from stroking my wing-wang.


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