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Strove to find a way to punch people in the face by using the Internet.

9/14/2004

DIARY OF INDIGNITIES
A Conversation with My Friend and Colleague Lee
This just took place, about a half an hour ago.

Me: "...Well, Mad Magazine served a very important function in my life, and I'll tell you why. As you know I obviously grew up kind of deprived and..."

Lee: "And your family didn't even have forks?"

"Actually... Heh heh, I had kind of forgotten about this, but we didn't have forks, for a few years. My mom decided she didn't want to 'have the taste of metal in her mouth,' and I think was trying to make some point about western cultural dominance in the, er, west, so for a while we ate with chopsticks."

"You didn't have forks?"

"Nope."

"You really had to eat with chopsticks?"

"For a few years, yeah. Oh man... I had totally repressed that. It all comes flooding back..."

"Well, you're starting to make a lot more sense... Okay, maybe you're not making sense, but I'm beginning to understand why you're the way you are."

"God, the fork thing... I just wanted to... be... a normal kid... Arrrgh."

"Did you sit around eating cereal with — heh heh heh — chopsticks?"

"No... We had... spoons... Harrrgh, the memories burn! They burn!"

"So if she didn't want metal, why were spoons OK? Was it a thing with... the... tines?"

"Look, you're trying to find logic in this, and there was none. But as far as I can remember, it was more of a political issue."

"Didn't you care? You just went along with it?"

"By the time the Great Fork Blackout of 1976 happened, my resistance had been totally worn away. I mean, it's not like that was the weirdest thing I ever had to deal with..."

"I still don't get it. Was it a safety issue? Did you have knives?"

"Sure, we had knives. In fact, we had big kitchen knives. Right around this time is when I started playing this game with my sister where I'd turn off all the lights in the house, grab a big-ass butcher knife and a flashlight, and hide... When I'd hear her get close, I'd pop up, grinning, and flick the flashlight on, and she'd scream and..."

"And you plan to use the fork thing as some sort of defense of this?"

"No, no... Look, this is all beside the point. What I was originally trying to say is that because we were poor, I couldn't go to movies, so I'd get Mad Magazine and..."

"And sit there reading it, eating popcorn with chopsticks."

"Heh heh, no, no... I ate popcorn with my hands. Of course, it was covered in yeast..."

"Yeast?"

"Yeah, we ate yeast on our popcorn… This dusty, yellow yeast… Oh god, it's all coming back to me now. Nutritional yeast... and seaweed."

"Seaweed?!"

"YES, SEAWEED. AAAAAAGH!!! ALL I EVER WANTED WAS TO BE A NORMAL KID!!! AND I HAD TO EAT YEAST AND SEAWEED ON MY FUCKING POPCORN AND WE DIDN'T HAVE FORKS!!! YAAAAARGH!!!"

"Ummm... Did other kids ever come over to your house or anything?"

"No. Not more than once, anyway. Don't forget, we also had those special tree branches and leaves all over the floor to get rid of fleas."

"..."

"ANYWAY, since all I ever wanted was to be like other kids; kids who were being raised by members of their own species, so when they would talk about movies, I'd pretend that I saw the movies too, only I hadn't. I just got really good at guessing what happened in movies by using the Mad Magazine movie spoofs as a rough guide."

"You know, I'm pretty screwed up in some areas myself, but you..."

"Yeah yeah yeah. I'm gonna go in my office and lie down now."

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