Strove to find a way to punch people in the face by using the Internet.


I Sure Do Go to a Lot of Fucking Weddings
So the ceremony is just beginning. We're all sitting outside; most of us looking nice and the rest kind of doing their best. (Jason Black, for example, managed to wear a tie, though it was festooned with a giant skull and paired with his single crutch made him look a little too pirate-y, like Long John Emo or something.) The lovely bride, handsome groom and assembled principals are stationed in this sweet little gazebo thing, and the general setting is wooded and gardenish, real nice with flowers and nature and pastoral shit like that all around. Some chicks with cellos and violins or whatever are putting the finishing touches on the bride's entrance theme and the whole scene just drips class.

Then my cell phone goes off. I'm startled, and mortified, and deal with my transgression by jumping about a foot in the air and flailing my arms around. It's a complicated maneuver to pull off, and results in 3/4ths of my beer getting dumped in the crotch of the girl sitting next to me.

Thankfully, the groom starts crying during his vows. Everyone is soon busy making fun of him and some of the pressure is taken off me.

Later, I go 0 for 2 in attempted hook-ups. I'm not sure what this "I have a boyfriend" business is all about, except that it's an answer to a question I didn't ask. I did get some of this one girl's pee on my leg, an intimate gesture I thought might pan out into something, but no.

Memo to 6-year-old kid: The breakdance routine was cool the first three times you did it, but when you bust that thing out on every song some of the magic wears off. I'm just sayin'.


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