Strove to find a way to punch people in the face by using the Internet.


Things I Heard My Family Say at My Cousin's Wedding Yesterday
"I liked Bob Dole, but I didn't vote for him. I could never vote for a guy with one arm. What if they ask him to throw out the first pitch?"

"I can take any word and make it negative. Go ahead, try me."
"Okay... 'Nice.'"
"'You've got a nice big fat ass.'"

"So we ended up at this bar where a few of the go-go dancers were pregnant. It was disgusting. I wasn't having any fun, so I said we should play a game where we compete to try and steal the most interesting stuff out of the bathroom. One by one we'd go into the bathroom and steal something, and bring it back and put it under the table. Towels, toilet paper, doorknobs... One guy brought out a toilet seat smuggled under his jacket. Anyway, it came around to my turn, and there was nothing left to steal. So I decided to rip the urinal off the wall. I got it about two feet off the wall, but couldn't break the pipes. The owner eventually went into the bathroom and saw all the damage and went nuts and called the cops. We snuck out the back when the state troopers showed up."

"I never mentioned the guy who parachuted into the parking lot?"
"Yeah, I worked with a guy at IBM who was a former Green Beret. One day he parachuted into the IBM parking lot in full frogman gear."
"Holy crap, that's amazing! How did he do that? Where did he get the plane?"
"I dunno, but those guys can land on a dime. He got fired though."
"For the parachuting stunt?"
"That's totally worth getting fired for, though."
"Another time this same guy came into the bar with a deer he had just killed. He threw the deer on the bar, cut out its tongue and ate it raw in front of everybody."
"Oh man! That's incredible! I have to meet this guy!"
"Well, you can't. He went to prison after killing a guy in a bar fight."

"Why did they throw you out?"
"I didn't like the door guy's attitude, and I let him know it. He said something to me that pissed me off."
"What did he say that pissed you off so bad?"
"I don't remember, but it got me pretty mad."
"I remember what he said. He very politely said, 'Sir, you can't take your drink out in the street.'"
"Yeah, that was it. Asshole."

"Go ahead, give me another word. I'll make it negative."
"'I love your big fat disgusting ass.'"
"You're not really making those words negative — you're just using them in a sentence with the word ass! And besides, 'I love your big fat disgusting ass' is positive. I mean, some people really like big fat disgusting asses. They'd really say that and mean it."
"Not if they were being sarcastic."

"Why did you think you were going to fight those guys?"
"They were jerks. They asked me if I was Amish."

"So he was a real cheapskate, and to get some extra money out of him she started giving him blowjobs every night. One night she was drunk and chewing gum and the gum got stuck in his pubic hair. They didn't notice — just went right to sleep. He wakes up in the morning and finds this pink lump near his dick and freaks out — he thought it was some kinda growth. But it was just the dried gum from the night before. They had to cut it out of his pubic hair."
"Tell the sequel to that story."
"The sequel?"
"Yeah, the sequel! With the cigarette."
"Oh, another time she was smoking a cigarette and giving him a blowjob and she dropped an ash and it caught his pubic hair on fire."
"Shit, I think I'd be giving her the extra money NOT to give me blowjobs."

"Look at him go! He's dancing his ass off. Oh man, now he's got a fire helmet on. Where did he get a fire helmet? He's going crazy. Can you imagine him doing this three years ago?"
"It finally happened. We unlocked his inner Hughes."

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