Strove to find a way to punch people in the face by using the Internet.


At Play Among the Nerds, Part Two
Sorry to be so lame about writing new shit. I've been really busy sucking dick down behind the bus station to pay for my breast implants teaching blind kids about self-esteem and haven't had time for any indignity-generating adventures.

Plus, I'm getting really, really good at repressing childhood memories. It's actually been a little sad, trading in Website productivity for this newfound sense of well-being. But I'm getting these cool facial tics in the deal. So basically the Internet can blow me.

I did have this one plan, but I kind of beefed on it... Megacon was this past weekend, and, just as I did last year, my intention was to go take a bunch of pictures of all the costumes and mock the nerds and shit... Despite it being glaringly obvious that the nerds are, in fact, my people, and any attempts on my part to portray myself as somehow removed from their colorful, awkward universe come off about as convincing as Eddie Deezen rapping.

Anyway, I went, but I only took one photo. Lame, I know, but I've been kind of busy and stressed-out lately, and just didn't have the moxie to take any more. In fact, after four hours of getting jostled and shoved and poked with paper-mache swords while jockeying for position in front of tables full of Sailor Kitty (or whatever) shoelaces and bootleg $20 Gobots DVDs, I was so tired and overstimulated that I lost the ability to tell the difference between costumed nerds and regular ones. (Heh heh, "regular.")

But I have to say, the one photo I bothered to take is pretty good:

Cookie Monster, who's wearing flip-flops, is having a chuckle with his friend, laughing at Sam Elliot over there in the corner. "Hey, Turdy Monk! Look at that sad old man," Cookie says. "Our deluxe outfits are certain to defeat his lame efforts when it comes time to judge the costume contest... Victory and its attendant spoils will soon be ours! I must lubricate my vibrating 20-sided dice before the victory wenches arrive." And that's Kool Moe Dee there in the background, talking on the phone, saying, "Holy shit, I never knew white people were so cool! I just saw the freshest Sam Elliot costume! I'm inspired to write a def rhyme on the subject." And Beardy Hat Guy with the manpurse walking by is going, "Shit, Kool Moe Dee sure looks important talking on that cell phone! I'm going to pretend I have one too." And then that green lumpy chick in the back is all like, "I... I..." Uhhh... Shit, dude. You know what? I'm tired. I got nuthin'.

Originally I even had this great plan for my own costume. I was going to wear a gorilla suit, but ditch the mask. In its place, I'd get a top hat and Abe Lincoln beard, and maybe finish it all off with a corncob pipe and sunglasses. Just do something totally random, you know? And see if anybody even noticed. I told my friends about it while we were walking around that day.

"That would've been great. You should've done it. You would've been Ape Lincoln," said my friend Todd.

"Ape... Lincoln?" Leave it to Todd to instantly come up with a fucking name for my stupid-ass random costume idea.

"Yeah! Ape Lincoln! That would've been awesome!" Todd said. "And what if it turned out Ape Lincoln was, like, a real character? And you didn't even know it?"

I was still struggling with "Ape Lincoln" and just drooled in response.

"What if Ape Lincoln was some kind of anime that's never been released over here? You'd be walking along, and all of a sudden a mob of teenage Japanese girls would jump on you and start making out with you, because you were the one whitey who knew about their beloved Ape Lincoln!"

Todd was clearly on a roll. "Guh," I said.

"Actually, Ape Lincoln would probably end up being a guy who raped Japanese schoolgirls with the tentacles that came out of his pipe," Todd said. "And the mob of Japanese schoolgirls would attack you, just start beating the hell out of you! and they'd be yelling, 'We hate you, Ape Lincoln! Why do you rape us?! Why?!!' And nobody would know what was going on!"

At this point, I just shut down. Totally blacked out. It was all too much. Sam Elliot knew CPR, though, so I was soon out of danger.

I heard he won the costume contest, too. Cookie Monster was actually pretty gracious about it.


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