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Strove to find a way to punch people in the face by using the Internet.

6/19/2005

...and now it's time to play a little game called
WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS, AND WHY IS IT IN MY HOUSE?

mummy
What the fuck is this?
The mummy.

Why is it in my house?
Because I never get tired of rounding the corner and yelling "Gah!"

Also, I like his expression of distracted concern. It looks like you just offered him a piece of pecan pie, and he's like, "Uhhhh, no, I better not. I had a really heavy lunch."

parrot
What the fuck is this?
Some Jimmy Buffet-ass kitchen thing my mom gave me a couple of years ago.

Why is it in my house?
I think you're supposed to rest spoons on it when you're cooking or something. It's cheerful.

cleaver
What the fuck is this?
A cleaver.

Why is it in my house?
My old roommate Keith left it behind when he moved away in, like, 1997 or something, and since then I've been using it to prepare food.

One time Jason Armadillo came over to my place while I was cooking supper, saw it and yelled, "Holy shit, what are you doing with that?! Did... did... you find it... in a field?!"

vitamins
What the fuck is this?
Every damn vitamin, herb, snake oil, antioxidant, supplement, canard, placebo, mineral and hogwash pill I can get my hands on.

Why is it in my house?
Dude, I'm *cough* healthy *cough* *cough*.

shack
What the fuck is this?
A promotional postcard I stole from the Gainesville Sun a few years ago when I was writing their weekly music column. To the best of my knowledge, the project it advertises (possibly a motion picture) has unfortunately never been released.

Why is it in my house?
C'mon, fucking look at it. A "madcap duel between mortician & monkey?!" I'm not entirely sure it didn't spring forth from my subconscious fully formed like Athena.

danzig
What the fuck is this?
Danzig "Archive de la Morte" DVD collection.

Why is it in my house?
R-rated version of one video has boobies.

brush
What the fuck is this?
Hairbrush.

Why is it in my house?
You got me.

capt
What the fuck is this?
Captain Harlock, Space Pirate.

Why is it in my house?
Um, he's guarding the moisturizer?

cactus
What the fuck is this?
A cactus... A dead cactus.

Why is it in my house?
A year or two ago, a good friend was leaving town, moving all the way to Seattle. The day before she left, she gave me the cactus. "I bought this for you to remember me by," she said. "I don't expect you to actually take care of it — since it's a cactus, you won't have to do anything, and it'll live forever."

About a month ago I looked over at it and was like, "Holy shit, I swear that thing was green yesterday, but now it's totally dead."

stache
What the fuck is this?
Character moustache.

Why is it in my house?
Emergency deployment of sasparilla.

hotdog
What the fuck is this?
Nathan's Hot Dog Cookbook, by Murray Handwerker, published 1968 by Grosset & Dunlap, Inc.

Why is it in my house?
When I become wicked sorcerer king of Narnia I'm going to need a Crown of Ultimate Evil like the one on the cover.

adamant
What the fuck is this?
A shitload of Adam Ant CDs.

Why is it in my house?
Because they're rad.

swimmy
What the fuck is this?
Oh, that's Swimmy.

Why is it in my house?
My grandpa brought Swimmy back from Thailand in the '60s. When Grandpa died a few years ago, nobody else in the family would claim Swimmy, so I gave him a good home.

One day I'm going to reconstitute Swimmy. Then you'll all pay.

pillow
What the fuck is this?
Fruity-lookin' star pillow.

Why is it in my house?
I bought it off Laura Minor the night of the lesbian window. I was listening to a lot of T. Rex that week and thought it might lend the place a little glam-rock ambience, what can I say.

flair1
What the fuck is this?
Unfinished Ric Flair painting I started like five years ago.

Why is it in my house?
I'm not actually supposed to take it outside, ever since that incident where a small herd of cattle was accidentally exposed to it and went sterile.

flair2
Great art is rarely understood in its time.

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