<$BlogRSDUrl$>

Strove to find a way to punch people in the face by using the Internet.

10/30/2005

DIARY OF ART & CRAFTS
That Is Not Dead Which Can Eternal Lie, And With Strange Aeons Even Death May Die.
It's Halloween, and what better time to make a ghoulish, scary costume you can use to terrify neighborhood children and amuse people at bars? Besides Easter, I mean. To ensure you, like I, experience maxmimum holiday enjoyment this year, follow the simple steps I've outlined below.

Step 1
music
First, you gotta create a mood, and music is the perfect tool. Campy, atmospheric or aggressive, just make sure it's dark. This time of year, I like to spin old-school goth, horror-punk, soundtracks from scary movies and grim black metal.

reggae
If you don't have that kind of shit laying around, make do with the mellow, sensuous grooves of roots reggae.

Step 2
shoes
Even before you don costume, carefully selecting the right items of clothing to wear can help conjure just the right eerie ambience to get you in the spirit of things. I'm pushing adolescence far into what used to be traditonally thought of as middle age, and just happened to have these fly kicks handy. No Halloween hotbottoms 'round my crib — just pure spooky class!

Step 3
gloop
For today's project, we're going to use paper mache. Simply get you a bowl and use it to mix common household flour and tap water until you have something about the texture of gloop. Hey, Don Costume... Didn't he play tight end for the Bears back in '86?

Step 3
bag
Now throw a bunch of newspapers down on the floor and arrange your mache next to a paper bag you got from Publix. Don't skimp on that protective newspaper coating, because this shit won't be half as scary as the bill you get from your landlord after you mache up you damn carpet.

jelly
Don't worry if you got some jelly on there.

Step 3
mache
Next you just tear up some newspaper, dunk it in your paper mache and then lay it on the bag until it's covered. Let it dry and do another layer. Try not to mache your hand to your hair or your eyelids shut or anything this time, OK, Corky?

Step 4
gesso
After you get a couple of layers of that mache dry, apply a coat of gesso. You can get gesso at art-supply stores and the craft aisle at Wal-Mart and shit. It's basically just primer, but for art fags.

Step 4-B
tacos
While you're waiting for that gesso to dry, why not enjoy tacos?

Step 5
paint1
The next step is to start spray-painting the thing a nice kelly green. This is also about the point where you start wondering why the hell you didn't just skip all that mache and gesso and shit and paint the damn bag right off the bat and save you about six damn hours.

paint2
Kids, while that paint is still wet you want to put that bag on your head and take deep breaths for several minutes to make sure it's working correctly.

Step 9
altar
Next, get a piece of thick posterboard and make a Satanic altar.

wilford
As you can see, I like to use the blood of a priest, a picture of Wilford Brimley and plenty of glitter.

Step 10
candles
Put the mask on your altar, set up your candles and somberly chant, "In his house at R'lyeh dead Cthulhu waits dreaming. In his house at R'lyeh dead Cthulhu waits dreaming."

Step 11
conjured
At midnight your mask will be ready to go. It's easy as that!

costume
Holy shit, you are one suave Halloween motherfucker, ready to hit the town and freak everybody out with your deluxe colon polyp Cthulhu get-up. Aren't you glad you tuned into ol' Bad News Hughes today? Huh? Eh?

ann
Hot chicks dig it. Make sure your sheet is generously cut, and with skillful maneuvering no one will be able to tell when you get a boner.

replay
Goblins and gnomes are now your friends, and out of comradery will bear to you refreshing tankards of their intoxicating magical woodland libations.

me
When I wore this shit to the bar last night, I had this conversation 412 times:

"Dude, what are you supposed to be?"
"Cthulhu."
"What?!"
"CTHULHU."
"WHAT?!"
"CTHULHU!!!"
"WHAT'S THAT?!"
"It's, uh, from the books that H.P. Lovecraft wrote back in the..."
"WHAT?!"
"H.P. Lovecraft!"
"WHAT?!"
"H.P. LOVECRAFT!"
"WHAT?!"
"NOTHING!"
"SO WHAT ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO BE, DUDE?!"
"Cthulhu! It's, um, a monster Metallica wrote a song about on Ride the Lightning!"
"THAT'S RAD DUDE! I TOTALLY HAVE THAT ALBUM!"

mattleslie
Anyway, follow my instructions and you'll soon be living life to the fullest, grabbing ahold of Halloween fun like a princess, uhhh, grips... the steering wheel attached to the, um... the crotch... of a pirate. Enjoy!

This page is powered by Blogger. Isn't yours?