Strove to find a way to punch people in the face by using the Internet.


25 Years of Notably Stupid Conversations
…as well as my personal contributions.

1982: We’re Ninjas
“Let’s meditate at the same time tonight and try to contact each other on the astral plane.”

1983: Bauhaus or the Sex Pistols – Who is True Punk?
“The Sex Pistols started it, but Bauhaus are like the true punks of today.”

1984: No, I'm Not High
“You don't even fucking understand me!”

1985: Who Cares if I Make Bad Grades?!
“We’re all going to die in a nuclear war.”

1986: I’m Going to Get All the Same Tattoos as Henry Rollins
“...As soon as I turn 18.”

1987: A Diploma is Just a Piece of Paper
“I don’t plan to live to see 30 anyway, man.”

1988: Fuck Jazz
“I don’t give a shit about some dude in a Bill Cosby Sweater tootling around on some horn.”

1989: Fuck Affirmative Action
“When you really think about it, it’s just another form of discrimination.”

1990: Fuck College
“Journalism school perpetuates a false notion of objectivity.”

1991: I Think I’m Becoming an Alcoholic
(Quiet weeping)

1992: They’re Rioting in Los Angeles
“...And if I was there you know I’d totally be out there with them!”

1993: Fuck Reggae
“Maybe you just think you like it because you smoke so much pot.”

1994: What Do You Mean That’s Not Chinese?
“I don’t even think you know what a phoneme is.”

1995: Your Poetry is Really Great
“Would it be alright if I kissed you?”

1996: There’s a Revolution Coming
“We need to get into shit like real estate and fucking run this town, yo!”

1997: I’ll Always Love Professional Wrestling
“It’s an underground art form with absolutely no potential for getting co-opted by the mainstream.”

1998: Ian MacKaye Shoots Heroin
“No he doesn’t.”

1999: No, I Appreciate Your Input
“I feel like I learn a lot from your criticism.”

2000: They’re All the Fucking Same to Me
“You think Gore would be any better?”

2001: A Bird is My Spirit Guide
“I really, really don’t want to hear about this.”

2002: No, This Job Means a Lot to Me
“I’m going to incorporate the results of this review into my work processes and bring about some positive changes.”

2003: We’re Currently Efforting On That
“I plan to stay proactive.”

2004: Technology is Evil
“Mom, if it wasn’t for ‘technology’ you would have died toothless and riddled with scurvy before you were 35.”

2005: Gays Don’t Provide Good Family Role Models
“Yeah, not like the straights, ah ha ha hah ha ha!”

2006: A Kilometer is Equivalent to, Like, a Mile and a Half
“I’m sure of it, dude, a kilometer is equivalent to, like, a mile and a half.”

2007: ???
Maybe it’ll be you!


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