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Strove to find a way to punch people in the face by using the Internet.

4/15/2006

HAPPY EASTER
A little something for the kids, from your friends at the Gainesville Dojo.

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In this corner, your holiday hero, the Easter Bunny.

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And in this corner, a pirate.

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The bell rings, and the combatants square off. You'll notice the pirate keeps his shirt on. This is because he's unpleasantly doughy, even by pirate standards. And you don't really see a lot of pirates doing hot yoga or running wind sprints or shit like that. You know?

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Still, you don't want to underestimate a pirate, even a doughy one. Keep alert or it's the old one-two, and then your ass is on a plank and it's "yo ho ho" and a watery grave and then what? Nothing! Nothing, that's what.

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But the Easter Bunny is no slouch either, as you can see. These two age-old enemies should give us quite a bout, as they continue a legendary battle that stretches back as far as the dewy mists of long-forgotten time, if not even the days of yore.

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Ah, the pirate strikes using the shin, possibly the only stretch of terrain on his body that doesn't have the texture of uncooked biscuit.

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And now a hook! Pirates like them a hook. It's tradition. Or symbolic. Or something.

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Ah-har, a mighty push kick. Looks like the Easter Bunny is shit out of luck this April, kids. Sorry. Holiday canceled. You can start crying now, if you like. Those of you that are total fucking crybaby pussies.

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And now the cutlass, which will end this pastel springtime celebration once and for all! Yes, for the pirate hates bunnies and Cadbury eggs and Jesus and wants to... to... To, uhhh... Cripes, I'm such a douche bag.

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Here's the Easter Bunny making a rally. Kids, quit your wretched mewling. And, uhh... Look, this seemed like a really funny idea this morning, after my sixth cup of coffee.

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Looks like the Easter Bunny has found a way to counter the mighty pirate cutlass. Man. I can't believe I got Ryan there to go along with this shit.

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Pow. Uh, take that. You smelly old... smelly old... pirate. Sigh.

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Do you have any idea what a pain in the ass it was to try and get all that pirate shit on a Saturday morning? Or how monstrously unpleasant fucking Wal-Mart is the day before a major holiday?

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It took me hours. Hours! I drove all over town! And I couldn't even fucking find bunny ears anywhere! I had to buy pink construction paper and make them! And Ryan's like, "Dude, they won't stand up. They look stupid." And I'm like, "Dude! They're rabbit ears, not antenna! They flop over in real life!" And then I started to cry, a little, both because I'm sensitive to criticism but also because thinking about what I had just said turned my soul to a mixture of cinders and ice.

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When he's not out fighting crime, and I guess pirates, the Easter Bunny transforms back into his alter ego, mild-mannered Ryan Hodge, who will be representing F2 Submission Fighting Team Saturday, April 22 at Florida Atlantic University in Boca Raton, Florida at Absolute Fighting Championship 16. Buy tickets. Go. Cheer. Ryan's going to destroy, and it will be awesome.

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