Strove to find a way to punch people in the face by using the Internet.



How did you spend your Saturday night?

Ah — never mind. Really, you know, all that beery tomfoolery and picking up on babes you like is for teenagers and monkeys. Myself, as a sophisticated bon vivant and connoissuer of the finest programs cable television has to offer, I decided to opt for the high road and stay in with Becca and Jack Stillwell, feasting our senses and, lo, even our very minds on MTV's Headbanger's Ball, which on this night happily featured not one, but two Metal Church videos, as well as a compelling melange of image and sound expressing the innermost thoughts and feelings of the artist Danzig.


Jack modeled for us the gift our friend Mark brought him back from his honeymoon in Rome and — what? Relax, it's just underpants, imported underpants at that, and — work safe? My good man, these particular underpants boast a representation of Michelangelo's David! Recognized worldwide — by critic and layperson both — as one of the finest works of art ever created! Images of this masterpiece have been reproduced in children's textbooks, in — what? What? Where are you going?

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