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Strove to find a way to punch people in the face by using the Internet.

3/24/2007

DIARY OF COLOSTOMY
Anthem Tattoo Parlor, Saturday March 24

"Ohhh shit! Pat Hughes! What are you up to?"

"Ahhh, nuthin'. I just locked up the dojo across the street and figured I'd stick my head in and see how ya'll are doin'. What's up?"

"Nothing much. Hey, are you gonna fight soon?"

"Me? Fuck no. My life's a mess. And I'm way too fat. I haven't been training hard at all, or really doing much of anything but eat pizza and drink beer, for like six months. Well, I did spar with a girl today."

"Was it that six-foot girl?"

"What?"

"The six-foot girl with the straight black hair? The really hot one?"

"Who? What?"

"She came in here for a tattoo and went across the street to the dojo to sign up for kickboxing."

"Shit... I, uh... Six foot, you say? Goddamn, I... Hm, that's tall, huh? I think maybe it's time to start training hard again, heh heh. But the girl today was two feet shorter than me and weighed about 120 pounds less. Plus it was, like, her first time."

"Did you win?"

"No."

"Hey, were you there when a guy named Billy Joe went in and challenged the whole dojo to a fight?"

"Huh? No. Wait, what?!"

"You weren't there?"

"No!"

"He was pissed, dude."

"Who's Billy Joe? I didn't hear about this! What the hell happened?"

"You guys wouldn't let him empty his colostomy bag."

"His... What? Like, before the fight?"

"No, he came in here all pissed, and we let him empty his colostomy bag, and he was like, 'Those motherfuckers across the street think they're too good...'"

"Yeah, we're a fuckin', uh, high-class hoity-toity operation, man. You can't just be sprayin' your colostomy hose around..."

"He was all pissed, and we let him empty his bag, and I said, 'Hey, Billy Joe, you should go over there and give them a piece of your mind.' He's like this 300-pound homeless guy."

"Oh, Jesus Christ."

"I said, 'Hey there, Billy Joe. You gonna let those karate snobs boss you around like that? They think they're too good to let a man empty his colostomy bag...'"

"Does he want a fight? I ain't afraid of no colostomy hose. He can spray me and I'll kick him right in his fuckin' poop hole. I don't give a fuck."

"Nah, I guess Keith gave him the bum rush. He went back over all mad, but came back a few minutes later and said, 'Well guys, I reckon maybe they're just a little too tough for me over there.'"

"That's right! Damn fuckin' straight! Right in the poop hole, man! Pow! I ain't above it. I'll do it, and worry about washing my foot later."

"I guess."

"You tell him! You tell all them motherfuckers! Tell 'em don't be bringin' no colostomy up in the dojo!"

"Whatever you say."

"Man, I'm telling you... We don't fuck around."

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