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Strove to find a way to punch people in the face by using the Internet.

3/13/2007

DIARY OF INDIGNITIES
Fuck You, Bob Marley
“Hey man, Tom was just telling me a great story about the time you tried to break into his girlfriend’s apartment while they were sleeping and he had to pull a gun on you.”

“Yeah, that was funny and — wait, what?”

“He said it was the middle of the night, and they heard someone peeping at the window, and he had to pull a gun.”

“Holy shit, I... I... I don’t remember that at all.”

“Yeah, he said you were just, like, ‘Oh, so I guess you guys are back together then.’”

“Um, I don't think this actually happened.”

“Man, it’s a great story. I’ve heard him tell it to a few people.”

“He what? What the fuck! It’s a lie, a total lie!”

“I don’t know, man...”

“Fuck! Fuck you! Where’s fuckin’ Tom! Goddamn it! Tom! Tom! Hey Tom!”

“Hey, what’s up, Bad News?”

“What the fuck is this story about me trying to break into your girlfriend’s apartment?”

“Ha ha, back when I got back together with Liz, remember that?”

“No, I do not fuckin’ remember that! You pulled a gun on me?”

“Well, a stun gun. But when I heard you scratchin’ at the window, before I knew it was you, I was thinkin’ about goin’ for one of my rifles...”

“Dude! That never happened!”

“Sure it did.”

“NO. IT. DIDN’T.”

“Me and Liz had broken up for a while, and I guess you were going out with her...”

“Well, we went on a few dates.”

“Whatever. Anyway, me and her got back together, and I was spending the night over there, and we heard this scratching at the window, and we looked outside, and you were peeking in...”

“NO.”

“Yeah! And I was like, ‘Get out of here,’ and you said, ‘I see you guys are back together,’ and wandered off into the night. It was like 3 in the morning, and you were drunk.”

“...”

“You don’t remember? You were sneaking around, peeping in the window...”

“Wait wait wait... Now I remember...”

“Yeah, uh huh...”

“No, no, no... This is how I remember it: I was all drunk and with Chuck or Brian Hoben or someone, and after we left the bar, we were looking to drink more, so I was running around the neighborhood pounding on people’s doors, like, ‘Hey, who wants to party!’ And you were going back out with Liz, and you guys came out and stood at the screen door, and you were all mad and in your underwear, and I was like, ‘What’s up, dude! Don’t you like to party!’ And you and Liz were pissed off and told me to get the hell out of there. And I think I did say something like, 'Hey, I guess you guys are back together, let's party!’”

“Hmmm.”

“Is that ringing a bell?”

“Wait, wait...”

“Man, I ain’t no creepin’ around the window, peepin’ in on a motherfucker type of dude! I’m bangin’ on the door, trying to get you to party!”

“No, I remember, you were, like, tapping or scratching on the window, and we were all creeped out, and came outside...”

“Dude, are you sure you’re not thinking of Henry?”

“Henry? Wait...”

“Because right around that time Liz was getting out of the shower, and she heard a scratchy noise or leaves crunching or something, and she looked outside and thought she saw Henry peeping in...”

“Oh... Oh, wait...”

“Yeah, and Henry made up some story like, ‘Oh, I was just peeing out in the yard,’ and all the girls were mad at him, and it was like the big scandal for a week or two...”

“Oh shit…”

“Ah hah! Now you remember?”

“Yeah, I think I do...”

“Dude! You got me and Henry mixed up!”

“I think maybe I did...”

“What kind of dude do you think I am! I ain’t no sneaky peeper! I’m at the front door, yellin’, lookin’ for a party!”

“Shit, dude, I’m sorry.”

“How many people have you told I was peeping in on you and Liz? How many years have you been telling that story! God damn! Motherfucker! I’ve been besmirched!”

“Heh heh.”

“You see? You see what happens, Bob Marley? You smoke all that fucking pot, and you misremember shit! You got me peeping in the window instead of Henry! God damn, your synapses are all misfiring, man. Your shit is all mixed up and hopping the tracks.”

“Yeah. That has been known to happen.”

Tom

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