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Strove to find a way to punch people in the face by using the Internet.

9/26/2007

DIARY OF INDIGNITIES
Employee Productivity Report for Sept. 24-28: Patrick Hughes

"Don't call me Andie-Poo."
"Why not? It sounds cute."
"I don't like having 'poo' inserted anywhere in my name."
"Aw."
"I don't like it!"
"C'mon. Andie-Poo."
"No! What if I called you Patty-Poo?"
"I'm OK with that. I'm secure in my masculinity."
"If you call me that I'll... I'll..."
"You'll what?"
"I'll fix you with a stealthy gaze."
"A... What? A stealthy gaze? How is that a deterrent?"
"Shut up."
"I mean, depending on how stealthy you make it, I won't even notice."
"Shut up!"

ninja
"You know what group is known for their stealthy gaze? The ninja."
"Shhhh!"
"The ninja are very stealthy in all aspects of their lives, Andie-Poo."

eagle
"The eagle is also renowned for its stealthy gaze. It fixes its stealthy gaze upon hapless prey."
"Please shut up."
"But it's biology!"

viking cyclops
"What are you drawing? What is that?"
"I, um, I started on a Viking, to illustrate how a gaze could be fierce and stealthy at the same time, and the Viking reminded me of the dread Cyclops, because they, uh, both lived during the Mesozoic era. Anyway, when you're talking gaze, you gotta have Cyclops in there. That bitch ain't nuthin' but gaze."
"Don't say the b-word."

eye
"Possibly the only creature with more overall gaze than the Cyclops is your Crawling Eye Monster."
"Please stop this."
"Crawling Eye Monster, Andrea. Steeeaaalthy gaaaaze."
"Stop."
"Crawling. Eye. Monster."

frog
"Some people mistake the gaze of the frog for sleepy, but in actuality it's quite stealthy."
"I'm not talking to you."
"Look carefully and you'll learn, Andie. Stealthy — not sleepy!"
"You're going to get us in trouble."
"I learned about the frog's gaze from television."
"I told you — I'm not talking to you!"
"If it's on television it must be true."

narwhal
"Finally, we come to the narwhal. Feel the power of its stealthy gaze. See how the crab flees? Sure, he doesn't want to get poked with that tusk, but he's not exactly a fan of the narwhal's stealthy, stealthy gaze, either. You know?"
"I hate you."
"I'm just trying to impart some hard-won wisdom here, Andie."
"I hate you."
"I'm reaching out here."
"I hate you."
"Stealthy gaze!"
"I hate you. Patty-Poo."

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