tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-57728182011-08-16T23:05:27.032-04:00Bad News HughesStrove to find a way to punch people in the face by using the Internet.Patrick Hugheshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06083854039296617106noreply@blogger.comBlogger1701100tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5772818.post-11851488632344660172008-09-29T12:49:00.000-04:002008-09-29T12:50:58.137-04:00New blog:http://domesticatedshithead.blogspot.com/Patrick Hugheshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06083854039296617106noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5772818.post-4371737445961639222008-01-23T12:35:00.000-05:002008-01-23T14:27:53.405-05:00LITTLE FYODOR AND BABUSHKADance of the Salted SlugI make a few brief cameo appearances during the video as a terrified, hulking blob trying to take pics of the madness with a phone without getting too close. Performance conducted as part of Hal McGee's 50th birthday extravaganza.Bonus! Little Fyodor and Babushka perform "You Give Me Hard On."Fun!More FyodorMore HalPatrick Hugheshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06083854039296617106noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5772818.post-6792829566388235842008-01-10T13:15:00.000-05:002008-01-10T16:03:43.309-05:00DAIRY OF INDIGNITYPol Pot: Murderous Tyrant of Evil or Beloved Children's Show Puppeteer? An In-Depth Look.So Christmas went pretty well this year.It was pretty mellow. We didn't do Jell-O shots or anything. Just played a lot of Wii. Seven pins, motherfucker!Dad seemed to like his new nose-hair trimmer.Lots of holiday spirit to soak up... Plenty of brotherly love.That was a nice change from a fewPatrick Hugheshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06083854039296617106noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5772818.post-87136753953187226292007-11-28T08:14:00.000-05:002007-11-28T08:16:16.685-05:00SHIT AT WORK IS ON FIREWe're All Gonna DiePlease put that shit out.Fuck.Patrick Hugheshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06083854039296617106noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5772818.post-17242565864742672232007-10-25T16:42:00.000-04:002007-10-25T16:43:06.199-04:00Halloween: Reading in GainesvilleSpooky.Patrick Hugheshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06083854039296617106noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5772818.post-4023873211785658072007-10-14T17:44:00.000-04:002007-10-14T17:50:11.493-04:00READING TOMORROW IN NEW YORK CITYMo Pitkins House of Satisfaction at 7 PM, with the talented and handsome Dallas Hudgens, author of Drive Like Hell and Season of Gene. Free, some kinda drink minimum. Hopefully Dallas will dazzle and charm, because lord knows I'm a goddamn trainwreck.Patrick Hugheshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06083854039296617106noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5772818.post-25204425519656359732007-09-26T14:30:00.000-04:002007-09-26T14:53:29.917-04:00DIARY OF INDIGNITIESEmployee Productivity Report for Sept. 24-28: Patrick Hughes"Don't call me Andie-Poo.""Why not? It sounds cute.""I don't like having 'poo' inserted anywhere in my name.""Aw.""I don't like it!""C'mon. Andie-Poo.""No! What if I called you Patty-Poo?""I'm OK with that. I'm secure in my masculinity.""If you call me that I'll... I'll...""You'll what?""I'll fix you with a stealthy Patrick Hugheshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06083854039296617106noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5772818.post-79790167995908089132007-09-14T12:58:00.000-04:002007-09-14T13:31:09.810-04:00THIS IS NICEMy old pal Brian Doherty reviewed Diary of Indignities in the Hit and Run section of the Reason magazine Web page. His positive comments on several aspects of the book hit me hard, for a few reasons. First, and most simply, he's a valued friend. He's also extremely smart, and a talented writer and journalist — his books Radicals for Capitalism and This is Burning Man carry my Patrick Hugheshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06083854039296617106noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5772818.post-90774907092906510922007-09-04T10:48:00.000-04:002007-09-04T11:33:07.426-04:00DIARY OF THINGS THAT ARE AWESOMESleepy Dave and the upstanding hoodlums at Anthem Tattoo have come through for me once again, helping me ensure my life remains wholly surreal and absurd:Nice bruising, huh? That part of my arm is as pale, delicate and juicy as fresh mozzarella cheese. Good thing the rest of me is double-tough and manly! As far as you know.Some no-fun-havin' pee-hole asked me, "Is Patrick Hugheshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06083854039296617106noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5772818.post-87406388230378730982007-08-30T16:32:00.000-04:002007-08-30T16:59:36.813-04:00VICTORY IS MINESo for about two minutes this afternoon I hit 100 in the Amazon top 100 for the sub-sub-sub category Humor/General Satire/Nonsense/Crap/Who Cares?/Biographies of Ted Nugent/Gardening/Erotica/Remainders/Mulch/Nobody Likes It.Sweet.Want to help me kick Dilbert's punk ass right back to Cubicleland? Buy a copy today. If you've been kind or misguided enough to already purchase one, why Patrick Hugheshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06083854039296617106noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5772818.post-72422141090660608242007-08-30T12:14:00.000-04:002007-08-30T12:22:06.172-04:00BOOK SIGNING: SEPT. 8 @ CRIMINAL RECORDS IN ATLANTAClick to see full-size.I'll be making an ass out of myself and the kick-ass metal band Withered will be grinding off faces with megaton blackened doom power. See you there?Patrick Hugheshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06083854039296617106noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5772818.post-74139723776092905212007-07-26T16:13:00.000-04:002007-07-26T16:53:50.593-04:00DIARY OF INDIGNITIESDegenerate and BulgingLately I spend all my time on the couch, out of my mind on pills, drooling and watching TV. I’m one swank jumpsuit and giant peanut butter and bacon sandwich away from becoming Elvis.I always said this is what I’d do if I got super rich. No philanthropy or adventure for me — just the trouble-free emotional flatline that can only be delivered by the Patrick Hugheshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06083854039296617106noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5772818.post-11512913559264970082007-07-09T08:44:00.000-04:002007-07-09T09:57:04.626-04:00DIARY OF INDIGNITIESTeh 198s Bolgger is Former Writer, EditorAh, you know me. I ain't looking for much. I got what you might could say are generally low expectations. And I don't want to come off here like some stuck-up fancy lad, swaggering around all over the Internet all pompous and full of self-esteem. But check this shit out:Okay, I got this book out now, and I figure it's an honest hustle, Patrick Hugheshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06083854039296617106noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5772818.post-4878990880338875302007-06-04T08:40:00.000-04:002007-06-04T16:20:13.731-04:00DIARY OF THINGS THAT ARE MAYBE KIND OF ALRIGHTSo the Diary of Indignities book is done. And it looks pretty great. In fact, I... I... I can't find anything to complain about. The editor, Chris Warner, and everyone else at the publisher did fantastic work. The designer, my good friend Jon Resh, made this thing just look unbelievably good. You need proof? Just look at the scream of joy coming out Patrick Hugheshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06083854039296617106noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5772818.post-66881818834116681682007-05-21T14:43:00.000-04:002007-05-21T14:47:31.392-04:00DIARY OF INDIGNITIESMaybe this Explains Why I Never Liked TallahasseeThe girls made this weird sort of noise when I peed on their kitchen floor... High-pitched and slightly modulated, a cry of distress to be certain, but without the shrillness or desperation one might expect. It sounded like how Olive Oyl sounds when she’s being menaced by Bluto, or Brutus, or whatever that guy’s name is, the wayPatrick Hugheshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06083854039296617106noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5772818.post-69461418479203289902007-04-16T08:53:00.000-04:002007-04-16T09:48:23.751-04:00DIARY OF THINGS THAT ARE AWESOMEOnstage with the Flaming Lips 4/15/07So I have this buddy named Justin. He works for an excellent and weird rock band called the Flaming Lips.Justin's a little, um, special. But the guys in the band go out of their way to make him feel good. "Justin, could you please stay in this tent and keep an eye on these costumes? Thanks, pal," they'll say, or, "Justin, this Patrick Hugheshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06083854039296617106noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5772818.post-70526714675966838112007-04-09T07:51:00.000-04:002007-04-09T07:53:53.848-04:00SWEETWe'll be in Jacksonville the next day, at the public library there. We won't actually have books or anything, of course.Patrick Hugheshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06083854039296617106noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5772818.post-86322568892033626822007-03-24T19:39:00.001-04:002007-03-24T19:39:57.943-04:00DIARY OF COLOSTOMYAnthem Tattoo Parlor, Saturday March 24"Ohhh shit! Pat Hughes! What are you up to?""Ahhh, nuthin'. I just locked up the dojo across the street and figured I'd stick my head in and see how ya'll are doin'. What's up?""Nothing much. Hey, are you gonna fight soon?""Me? Fuck no. My life's a mess. And I'm way too fat. I haven't been training hard at all, or really doing much of Patrick Hugheshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06083854039296617106noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5772818.post-42131300809845652652007-03-24T13:57:00.000-04:002007-03-24T14:11:36.555-04:00Poor BeccaPoor, Poor BeccaShe made it through Weird Science, Frankenhooker and Rock 'n Roll Nightmare OK, but Return of the Living Dead proved too taxing, despite being fortified with a healthy dose of energy-packed Absolut peach-flavored vodka (yuck). Anyway, she learned a valuable lesson, probably. You gotta keep on your toes. Movie night is not for the weak.(Underwear Shorts, by the way, is a Patrick Hugheshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06083854039296617106noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5772818.post-83172657058168784062007-03-13T08:51:00.001-04:002007-03-13T09:07:35.766-04:00DIARY OF INDIGNITIESFuck You, Bob Marley“Hey man, Tom was just telling me a great story about the time you tried to break into his girlfriend’s apartment while they were sleeping and he had to pull a gun on you.”“Yeah, that was funny and — wait, what?”“He said it was the middle of the night, and they heard someone peeping at the window, and he had to pull a gun.”“Holy shit, I... I... I don’t Patrick Hugheshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06083854039296617106noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5772818.post-47701361673268631202007-03-11T11:12:00.000-04:002007-03-11T11:19:27.113-04:00DIARY OF INDIGNITIESQ: So what do you get when you cross a skateboard, an acorn and a woefully out-of-shape fat old man?A: 'Bout what you'd expect.(It's not a mid-life crisis, unless you can have a mid-life crisis that starts when you're born. Also, just judging from my lifestyle and general appearance, I'm probably waaaay past the statistical midpoint.)Patrick Hugheshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06083854039296617106noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5772818.post-48561503592724746982007-03-06T11:07:00.000-05:002007-03-06T11:15:43.270-05:00DIARY OF INDIGNITIESBittersweet Reminiscing in the Autumn of My Life, Duh Oh, you know, while we’re on the subject of professional wrestling, I should point out that I hate it.That wasn’t always the situation, though. At one time I loved professional wrestling. Scientists measured my love as having an intensity of .4 Ringwalds. Pretty strong. So strong, in fact, that I once was a professional Patrick Hugheshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06083854039296617106noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5772818.post-83028730173581476582007-03-01T07:39:00.000-05:002007-03-01T07:46:36.196-05:00DIARY OF JUST WHAT KIND OF PEOPLE READ THIS SITE ANYWAYThe lovely Jana sends in a snapshot documenting her own encounter with magical artistic weiner underpants. "Why should you boys have all the fun," she asks. Well, Jana, I'll tell you. It's because while we were off having underpants hijinx we were kind of counting on you all to keep civilization from crumbling. But whatever. Good going, Jana.Patrick Hugheshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06083854039296617106noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5772818.post-64574542484883434262007-02-25T11:44:00.000-05:002007-02-25T12:05:11.819-05:00DIARY OF THINGS THAT ARE AWESOME How did you spend your Saturday night? Ah — never mind. Really, you know, all that beery tomfoolery and picking up on babes you like is for teenagers and monkeys. Myself, as a sophisticated bon vivant and connoissuer of the finest programs cable television has to offer, I decided to opt for the high road and stay in with Becca and Jack Stillwell, feasting our Patrick Hugheshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06083854039296617106noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5772818.post-67818361591038642122007-02-05T13:01:00.000-05:002007-02-05T18:17:31.588-05:00YE OLDE RECYCLEMENT OF THE JOKES OF YOREYeah, I know. It was funnier last year. But I’m hellaciously, feverishly focused on finishing up this bad boy and thusly not inclined for trying anything new. Well, except this year I slipped my friend Becca a little GHB and convinced her to go. Me at the Renaissance Faire with a girl — that’s actually pretty novel.The inside of my disgusting truck. Leaves,Patrick Hugheshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06083854039296617106noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5772818.post-1168285861467966252007-01-08T14:41:00.000-05:002007-01-08T14:51:01.486-05:00DIARY OF INDIGNITIESSuper Crazy Big-Ass Special 2006 Hughes Family Christmas Photo Extravaganza!…will not be published this year, sorry. Dad had to call off Christmas due to lack of participation. Both brothers were scheduled to work Christmas day (Neil blames “Satan worshipers”), and, evidently, the rest of the gang were leery of being outed as drunken holiday maniacs. Again. Anyway, if you likePatrick Hugheshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06083854039296617106noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5772818.post-1164676585815240012006-11-27T20:12:00.000-05:002006-11-28T06:06:12.046-05:00DIARY OF INDIGNITIESPlay Ball!Sometimes people forget that the male crotchal region is the source of all the world’s evil. Not me. You see, I have the misfortune of being born with a male crotchal region permanently attached to the terrain between my waist and knees, and as a result am locked in epic struggle with the various devils, haints and malicious vapors always erupting out of my pants to Patrick Hugheshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06083854039296617106noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5772818.post-1161214762247267482006-10-18T19:26:00.000-04:002006-10-24T06:27:30.640-04:00DIARY OF MANLY ADVENTUREWell, Camera-Phone Adventure, AnywayDo you like having adventures? I do.The night after Becca tried to pop my chest pimple I had an adventure where I went to this big party at 3 in the morning. Somebody rolled a piano into the street and set it on fire. I took a picture with my phone:The firemen and police officers who showed up to take care of it were in surprising good Patrick Hugheshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06083854039296617106noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5772818.post-1160193339514858902006-10-06T23:44:00.000-04:002006-10-06T23:55:39.530-04:00DIARY OF WHAT THE FUCK, IS THAT AN EXTRA NIPPLE?Seriously, What the Fuck. Is that an Extra Nipple?I'm sort of loaded right now. (Full disclosure.) And I've got wrasslin' queued up on the fake TIVO. And I'm eating this Cuban sandwich, and it is so, so good. Oh my god. I'm actually feeling pretty good right now. The only thing that could be better is if I had another one of these sandwiches. I got Patrick Hugheshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06083854039296617106noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5772818.post-1158881816263217442006-09-21T19:36:00.000-04:002006-09-21T19:36:56.276-04:00INTERMISSIONPatrick Hugheshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06083854039296617106noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5772818.post-1157506791851547932006-09-05T21:04:00.000-04:002006-09-06T19:57:30.230-04:00DIARY OF CINEMATIC CHILDHOOD TRAUMA PART 2Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark, Despite All the Murderous GoblinsBig monsters — your Godzillas, Gargantuas, Gameras, your various Kongs — are a direct and straightforward bunch. I appreciate this. I’ve always felt like you can trust a big monster. Yes, big monsters wreck things, and I suppose occasionally step on people (maybe even babies), grinding them Patrick Hugheshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06083854039296617106noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5772818.post-1155604719187384252006-08-14T20:29:00.000-04:002006-08-15T07:18:00.096-04:00DIARY OF EXTREME CHILDHOOD TRAUMALike, Even More Than UsualDad says the reason I’m screwed up is because of the night he was going to bash in the Puerto Rican guy’s head with a rock, which is a long story I’m not allowed to tell. But all you really need to know is it involves divorce, booze, my Mom and a Puerto Rican guy. And, um, a rock. Mom, to her credit, simply blames herself for screwing me Patrick Hugheshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06083854039296617106noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5772818.post-1151436604336695952006-06-27T15:09:00.000-04:002006-06-27T18:59:50.230-04:00DIARY OF INDIGNITIESKiss Me, You RetardOh, I just remembered — one time I made out with this retarded kid in church.Ah, shit. I, uh... You know, I actually shouldn’t say "retarded." I should say "Down Syndrome." You see, like your average low-grade racist, homophobe or everyday commonplace hypocrite, I employ a double standard when it comes to certain types of pejorative language. For example, I Patrick Hugheshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06083854039296617106noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5772818.post-1148999369181893932006-05-30T10:24:00.000-04:002006-05-30T12:56:54.036-04:00DIARY OF INDIGNITIESDouchebaggery Through the Ages — A Life in Stupid PicturesYou'd never guess it, but I actually showed a lot of promise the first few years after I was hatched. For example, you can see from my pudgy Aryan glory here that up until the devil got into me I was mysteriously blonde, healthy and happy. I got me a zippy Speed Racer sort of sweater on, and while I don't really Patrick Hugheshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06083854039296617106noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5772818.post-1146743875422280642006-05-04T07:32:00.000-04:002006-05-04T10:59:45.226-04:00DIARY OF INDIGNITIESHey Look, I Sat in Some Gum!I have this friend, OK, and I’m going to call him Anatol. Because that’s his name.Anatol doesn’t drink, or didn’t use to, and for a while lived with all those sober fried-poo guys in Dick House. Anatol’s also, like, a genius. A bona-fide smart guy with a Ph.D. in physics to prove it. For all his fancy book-learnin’, though, Anatol hasn’t always madePatrick Hugheshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06083854039296617106noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5772818.post-1145984698312944702006-04-25T12:50:00.000-04:002006-04-26T04:32:57.000-04:00DIARY OF INDIGNITIESDon’t Use the Microwave. Decline the Offer of Pickle.No man! No man, I say! No man should have to endure the stench, the stinging! The choking, the burning! As sweet air turns to foulest poison!I speak, of course, of the time Jeff fried a human turd.It turns out you don’t want to take a human turd and put it on a stove in a pan of hot grease. Bad things ensue. I’m happy to Patrick Hugheshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06083854039296617106noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5772818.post-1145135403687107612006-04-15T16:23:00.000-04:002006-04-15T17:10:06.046-04:00HAPPY EASTERA little something for the kids, from your friends at the Gainesville Dojo.In this corner, your holiday hero, the Easter Bunny.And in this corner, a pirate.The bell rings, and the combatants square off. You'll notice the pirate keeps his shirt on. This is because he's unpleasantly doughy, even by pirate standards. And you don't really see a lot of pirates doing hot yoga or running Patrick Hugheshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06083854039296617106noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5772818.post-1144869728023625672006-04-12T15:04:00.000-04:002006-04-12T15:22:59.063-04:00FLAME SHOOTS OUT OF MY PENIS, AND ONTO JETHRO TULLThat headline doesn't really have anything to do with anything. Just a little glimpse into my fantasy world.Anyway, I resigned from the SuicideGirls newswire today. That didn't take too long, did it? Here are my last pieces there:Black Metal Photos by Peter Beste Are Scary and CoolPunk Rock Goes OralFeminist Author Says Piercings and Tattoos Are Patrick Hugheshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06083854039296617106noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5772818.post-1144410336675915802006-04-07T07:37:00.000-04:002006-04-07T07:45:36.690-04:00More SuicideGirlsThe latest results of this fascinating experiment:The Draft: No Time for Brazilian TranniesSkater Danny Way Loses His MindBring Less Than Jake Some Ice, Cabana Boy, or I'm Fetching the WhipStar Wars Kid Victorious Over EmpireI, uhhh... I'm sure all those kids leaving comments are intelligent and nice, in person.Patrick Hugheshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06083854039296617106noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5772818.post-1144231915715515062006-04-05T05:55:00.000-04:002006-04-05T06:11:55.726-04:00BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLOGGINGOn the off chance anyone gives a shit, I thought I'd mention that this week I'm doing a little guest blogging over at the SuicideGirls newswire. Yes, I know, blogging. It's kind of a trial dealie to see how we like each other.For those not familiar with SuicideGirls, it's a trendsetting Web site that's grown into a full-blown, like, cultural movement, with shit-tons ofPatrick Hugheshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06083854039296617106noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5772818.post-1143738128215802222006-03-30T11:56:00.000-05:002006-03-30T12:02:08.233-05:00DIARY OF INDIGNITIES25 Years of Notably Stupid Conversations …as well as my personal contributions.1982: We’re Ninjas“Let’s meditate at the same time tonight and try to contact each other on the astral plane.”1983: Bauhaus or the Sex Pistols – Who is True Punk?“The Sex Pistols started it, but Bauhaus are like the true punks of today.”1984: No, I'm Not High“You don't even fucking understand me!”Patrick Hugheshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06083854039296617106noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5772818.post-1143423307699573362006-03-26T20:07:00.000-05:002006-03-26T20:35:07.760-05:00DIARY OF INDIGNITIESHe Only Killed the One Guy And I Don’t Think Ever Actually Ate the BabyDespite being unfit for most types of human interaction, I was a champion babysitter.In fact, in ninth and tenth grade, I was sort of a kickass babysitting mercenary, called in by frantic parents of monster children, people who were desperate for a night out on the town but couldn’t hire a regular sitter atPatrick Hugheshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06083854039296617106noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5772818.post-1141349252003011272006-03-02T20:13:00.000-05:002006-03-02T20:59:06.970-05:00DIARY OF INDIGNITIESWe Will Be Good PenisheimersWhen I was 12 or so I spent a year as a Webelo, which is the pupal stage of American scouting... Yes, the transitional period between wormy, larval Cub Scout and the splendid, colorful butterfly-dom that is, uh, Boy Scouts and... Jeez, never mind.If I remember correctly, I think “Webelo” is supposed to be some kind of fuckin’ anagram or euphemism orPatrick Hugheshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06083854039296617106noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5772818.post-1139513240733360652006-02-09T13:09:00.000-05:002006-02-09T14:27:20.810-05:00YE OLDE DIARY OF INDIGNITIESMy original plan was to go with a girl and get a bunch of pics of me and her doing terrible medieval stuff so the comedy would doth ensue. No dice, though. Seems as if the combined prospects of spending the day with me and mingling with faire nerds didn't turn out to be much of a draw. Imagine my surprise.If the first goddamn thing you see when you walk in isn't some Patrick Hugheshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06083854039296617106noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5772818.post-1139151342438444072006-02-05T09:55:00.000-05:002006-02-05T16:34:22.423-05:00DIARY OF INDIGNITIESNegative Ding-Dong VibesI was determined to get everything I could out of the situation, so I did the thing I thought best, which was put her finger in my mouth and start sucking away. Really go for it, you know? I was licking it and working that shit all around, while trying to picture potential practical applications. I may have even drooled a bit. “Goddamn, I hope this Patrick Hugheshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06083854039296617106noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5772818.post-1138307181157331452006-01-26T15:19:00.000-05:002006-01-26T15:26:21.186-05:00DIARY OF SHUT UPShut UpYeah yeah, I know. I promise something sometime next week, as well as an ensuing brisker schedule. It's just that I'm dull-witted, and lazy. In the meantime, my most recent notable indiginity:"According to Health Magazine. Jan. 24 is the most depressing day of the year."Guess what day is my birthday? Go ahead — guess.Uh huh.Patrick Hugheshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06083854039296617106noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5772818.post-1135702174982095642005-12-27T09:45:00.000-05:002005-12-27T11:49:35.056-05:00DIARY OF INDIGNITIESChristmas 2005I rolled up to Dad's place Christmas day, a little after lunchtime. As you can see, by the time I arrived everyone had already been hard at work fortifying themselves with colorful, potent little nuggets of holiday cheer.I hustled to catch up.This one burned a little more than I expected.Down the hatch!Bracing.There were some booze-based food-snacks set out, too.Patrick Hugheshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06083854039296617106noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5772818.post-1135131975946607132005-12-20T21:24:00.000-05:002005-12-20T21:26:15.956-05:00DIARY OF INDIGNITIESSo... I Just Finished Watching the 40-Year-Old VirginGod hates me.Patrick Hugheshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06083854039296617106noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5772818.post-1135024509130801402005-12-19T15:33:00.000-05:002005-12-19T15:35:09.140-05:00MMMMMM.Nog.Patrick Hugheshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06083854039296617106noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5772818.post-1134486902010470002005-12-13T09:47:00.000-05:002005-12-14T11:36:36.746-05:00DIARY OF INDIGNITIESShy, Sexy RobotTo: Netflix Customer ServiceFrom: Patrick HughesMonday, Dec. 5, 2005 4:05 PMSubject: Policies and Technical HelpDear Netflix,I seem to be missing about 200 movies from my queue. Is this the result of a new policy limiting its size? Is it a technical mistake? Is it something I did? How do I get them back?Sincerely,PatrickTo: Patrick HughesFrom: Netflix Customer Patrick Hugheshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06083854039296617106noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5772818.post-1133141455094462142005-11-27T19:00:00.000-05:002005-11-27T20:30:55.173-05:00DIARY OF INDIGNITIESHow I Ruined ThanksgivingMy father is nothing if not methodical. A few weeks ago, he sent me an e-mail message asking if I'd be up for a little fishing when I drove down for Thanksgiving. Would I? Heck yes! I love fishing, Dad has a sweet boat and he suggested hitting a spot offshore, something I've never done. So after replying in the affirmative I was treated to a daily Patrick Hugheshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06083854039296617106noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5772818.post-1130696838880322902005-10-30T12:24:00.000-05:002005-10-30T18:59:40.506-05:00DIARY OF ART & CRAFTSThat Is Not Dead Which Can Eternal Lie, And With Strange Aeons Even Death May Die.It's Halloween, and what better time to make a ghoulish, scary costume you can use to terrify neighborhood children and amuse people at bars? Besides Easter, I mean. To ensure you, like I, experience maxmimum holiday enjoyment this year, follow the simple steps I've outlined below.Step 1First, Patrick Hugheshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06083854039296617106noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5772818.post-1130118202334490652005-10-23T17:53:00.000-04:002005-10-24T08:49:40.846-04:00DIARY OF INDIGNITIESMy Ass is the Worst Place on EarthSo a couple of months ago I squirted some blood out of my ass. Unlike most of the blood that drips or sprays out of the various parts of my abused or perhaps just fragile body, this particular emission sent me on an exciting, magical adventure; one in which I ventured far and wide to seek the counsel of wise sages while navigating the tricky, Patrick Hugheshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06083854039296617106noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5772818.post-1128305953834084842005-10-02T21:06:00.000-04:002005-10-02T23:06:30.693-04:00DIARY OF THINGS THAT ARE AWESOMECraig and Allison Get HitchedSo my little brother Craig got married to a wonderful woman named Allison this weekend. I'm still not fully recovered from it all, and likely won't be for some time, but I've got a mess of photos here that I'm going to use to try and recreate the past few days' events. From what I can piece together, it was all very boozy and Patrick Hugheshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06083854039296617106noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5772818.post-1127236364975085152005-09-20T13:06:00.000-04:002005-09-20T21:52:52.986-04:00DIARY OF INDIGNITIESMy Butterfly-Knife RomanceJennifer Testa was the first girl I ever really loved. She looked a little like Jane Wiedlin, bassist for popular, crappy new-wave band the Go Go’s, and had transferred to Tarpon High shortly into my freshman school year. She sat in the back of my science class, catching my attention with her short, curly, black hair and stylish, offbeat clothing. I Patrick Hugheshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06083854039296617106noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5772818.post-1126536165873326832005-09-12T09:59:00.000-04:002005-09-12T10:42:45.926-04:00DIARY OF INDIGNITIESI Have CableSo after like three years or something of not watching any television I broke down and got cable. The digital kind, complete with one of them digital-recorder-fake-TIVO dealies. And it's awesome! I've been missing so much... Football, Iron Chef, The Daily Show, Letterman... Who knew Henry Rollins had a film show on IFC? Or that you could watch muay thai kickboxing Patrick Hugheshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06083854039296617106noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5772818.post-1124655920915042072005-08-21T16:15:00.000-04:002005-08-21T16:25:20.923-04:00DIARY OF INDIGNITIESI Have an OwieWon't you kiss it? Won't you kiss my owie, and make it feel better? My owie needs a gentle kiss.I might have another owie somewhere else too; some stiffness that's giving me a little trouble. We can work up to it.Patrick Hugheshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06083854039296617106noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5772818.post-1124467474262332622005-08-19T11:37:00.000-04:002005-08-21T16:14:59.236-04:00RIP, BISCUITMy stupid little Web site sure is looking a lot like a proper blog this week, huh? For that, I apologize.Anyway, I just read on Metafilter that Randy "Biscuit" Turner, singer for the amazing Texas punk band the Big Boys, was found dead in his home yesterday, the same day a nice article about him was published in the Austin Chronicle.For the most part, I'm not really affected by Patrick Hugheshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06083854039296617106noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5772818.post-1124451644232495342005-08-19T07:39:00.000-04:002005-08-19T07:40:44.236-04:00DIARY OF INDIGNITIESBest Cthlulu Award, 1984, goes to Patrick Hughes.Patrick Hugheshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06083854039296617106noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5772818.post-1124203861420780352005-08-16T10:36:00.000-04:002005-08-17T14:57:39.303-04:00MAIDENYou know how Iron Maiden always has Eddie doing something awesome on their records, like being a pharaoh or traveling through time or turning the devil into a puppet? Well, my friend Rob Ray made a list of things Eddie should never be, and game-show host was one of 'em.I say that's a fat load of balls. Eddie would make a rad game-show host, one that would cast you into hell for getting a Patrick Hugheshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06083854039296617106noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5772818.post-1123529248486913892005-08-08T15:02:00.000-04:002005-08-08T15:27:28.516-04:00DIARY OF INDIGNITIESKeep PartyingSome people found it disconcerting, Frog’s trick. He did it when I first met him — pulled out his top row of teeth and grinned this huge grin, squinting, tilting his head back a bit and letting a leash of thick, clear drool sag between his hand and his mouth.I could understand why some found it off-putting. It was a strange kind of intimacy, being suddenly faced Patrick Hugheshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06083854039296617106noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5772818.post-1121818214759327392005-07-19T19:31:00.000-04:002005-07-23T07:36:52.360-04:00DIARY OF INDIGNITIESOr Maybe He Was Just Holding It for a FriendPeople talk about food poisoning a lot, mostly in the context of lies they tell their boss. It’s a good excuse for taking the day off. You’re too debilitated to work, but nobody expects you to go to the doctor. It doesn’t last long, so you can show up hale and hearty Tuesday, with no need to fake any special symptoms on your return Patrick Hugheshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06083854039296617106noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5772818.post-1121015169848554802005-07-10T12:29:00.000-04:002005-07-10T13:39:07.026-04:00DIARY OF INDIGNITIESDave Says It's Not Me This TimeOK, so I wrote this book. It's about the chimpanzees that were used as test subjects in the early U.S. space program, and what happened to them after the Air Force decided they were superfluous. In the '70s the Air Force started leasing their chimp colony out for medical experimentation, and the last part of the book details recent efforts to getPatrick Hugheshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06083854039296617106noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5772818.post-1119975943941426452005-06-28T12:07:00.000-04:002005-06-28T13:25:19.660-04:00DIARY OF INDIGNITIESGoblins Will Come Out, Etc.Here now – look here:Notice the difference? With regular Barbasol, you get a cool thing about manliness on your can. With the Barbasol what’s made for sensitive skin, you get nothing.Godammit, am I not a man, just because I like a little lanolin in my foam? I know what this omission implies, and I don’t like it. I have a skin condition — a medically Patrick Hugheshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06083854039296617106noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5772818.post-1119221623863200622005-06-19T17:46:00.000-04:002005-06-19T19:15:56.016-04:00...and now it's time to play a little game calledWHAT THE FUCK IS THIS, AND WHY IS IT IN MY HOUSE?What the fuck is this?The mummy.Why is it in my house?Because I never get tired of rounding the corner and yelling "Gah!" Also, I like his expression of distracted concern. It looks like you just offered him a piece of pecan pie, and he's like, "Uhhhh, no, I better not. I had a really heavy lunch."Patrick Hugheshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06083854039296617106noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5772818.post-1118708338373373792005-06-13T19:57:00.000-04:002005-06-14T11:41:55.280-04:00EMBRACING THE MUNDANETypical "Blog" CrapHave I ever mentioned how much I hate blogs? You go to read one, and it's basically terrible. You go to read another one, ditto. I won't even elaborate — you've read them. You know what I mean. I also hate how we're all supposed to think they're so damn important. You got Grandma Dustpussy, publisher over at the Ye Olde Daily Antiquity Status-Quo Patrick Hugheshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06083854039296617106noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5772818.post-1118077335880329692005-06-06T10:47:00.000-04:002005-06-07T12:36:32.136-04:00DIARY OF INDIGNITIESBig Ron = No BonerI reckon any discussion of shame here is going to ring pretty false, what with me occasionally exposing my pee-hole to the world and such.And while it's true that I'm not exactly wallowing in the stuff, I do feel shame. Sometimes. Of a sort. Etc. Even though my good friend Anatol Blass, a bona fide smarty-pants if there ever was one, once told me, "Shame justPatrick Hugheshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06083854039296617106noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5772818.post-1117587891230846062005-06-01T22:00:00.000-04:002005-06-01T21:54:53.643-04:00DIARY OF INDIGNITIESIt Just Might Make You Feel Better!A wise man once told me, "Beware the thoughts that come in the night."Ahhh, thoughts schmoughts. I like the thoughts that come in the night. If anything, it seems as if nightfall bestows upon me a kind of mental clarity. Thoughts that come in the night have a certain purity, not to mention a sense of purpose. If it wasn't for thoughts that Patrick Hugheshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06083854039296617106noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5772818.post-1117677245859774312005-06-01T21:52:00.000-04:002005-06-01T21:54:05.860-04:00THE FOOT UPDATELooking good!Patrick Hugheshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06083854039296617106noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5772818.post-1116650827881438952005-05-21T00:30:00.000-04:002005-05-21T00:47:07.886-04:00DIARY OF INDIGNITIESHoly Shit, My Foot. Argh, What The Fuck.So I had taken a bit of a break from kickboxing training the past few weeks, what with my Costanza and all. But this past week I tried to step up both the frequency and intensity of my shit, for no discernible reason. Here you can view the delightful results.What the fuck. Seriously.I have a vagina on my foot. How? Why? Did the lesbians Patrick Hugheshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06083854039296617106noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5772818.post-1115601377230053662005-05-08T21:10:00.000-04:002005-05-11T10:19:44.106-04:00DIARY OF INDIGNITIESDear Lesbians — Please Accept My ApologiesLast night I drank all this wine and went nuts. See, I haven't really been drinking the past several months, because I had this delusional idea that I was training for a kickboxing match, so my tolerance for the hooch is totally in the shitter. And I was at Laura Minor's apartment for this going-away-sale-slash-leaving-town party, and Patrick Hugheshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06083854039296617106noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5772818.post-1113850663720438772005-04-18T14:40:00.000-04:002005-04-19T14:02:20.300-04:00DIARY OF INDIGNITIESMy Latest Costanza“I wonder what kind of dying guy I’ll make?” I thought. “Will I mope around making everybody feel bad? Or go nuts and start shooting up heroin and robbing banks? And what’s the best way to parlay this into getting blowjobs?”You see, I have this thing I do, where every so often I’m convinced I have some sort of fatal disease. I mope around for a few days, Patrick Hugheshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06083854039296617106noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5772818.post-1113182400385286572005-04-10T19:42:00.000-04:002005-04-11T16:30:54.160-04:00CAMPING IS AWESOMEHanna Park, located on the coast in grimy, unpleasant Jacksonville, Florida. Where all laws are strickly enforced, but the rules of spelling and grammar no longer apply... "No alcoholic beverages," who do they think they're kidding?It had been a while since I had a drink, so after arriving I wasted no time in gettin' down. Here you can see me, theoretically a grown man, Patrick Hugheshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06083854039296617106noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5772818.post-1112008632880463632005-03-28T06:10:00.000-05:002005-03-28T06:17:12.883-05:00DIARY OF INDIGNITIES1984 Tarpon Springs High School Yearbook: To The Dungeons!Dude... I was magistrate.Patrick Hugheshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06083854039296617106noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5772818.post-1111522347545656592005-03-22T14:58:00.000-05:002005-03-23T06:04:46.173-05:00DIARY OF INDIGNITIESAll-True Historical Indignities Stretching As Far As the Eye Can See; Through the Sky, Over the Horizon and, Lo, Perhaps Even Into the Gooey Center of Time Itself1975 – Before my mom became a lesbian, she... she... OK, I think I need to go lie down. Feeling faint... Just typing the words "before my mom became a lesbian" has drained all the life right out of me... Seriously, Patrick Hugheshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06083854039296617106noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5772818.post-1110237455007470242005-03-07T17:48:00.000-05:002005-03-07T19:15:45.930-05:00DIARY OF INDIGNITIESI Will Bake You a Cake. And Fill It Full of Creamy Ice Cream.A year or so after high school I was living in a semi-abandoned old house with two skinheads and my buddy Kalpesh. I say "semi-abandoned" because it technically had an owner — the University of Florida, in fact. We had kind of inherited the house from its previous renters, the family of Kalpesh's buddy Christian, Patrick Hugheshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06083854039296617106noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5772818.post-1109720409266202102005-03-01T18:33:00.000-05:002005-03-03T07:18:31.613-05:00DIARY OF INDIGNITIESAt Play Among the Nerds, Part TwoSorry to be so lame about writing new shit. I've been really busy sucking dick down behind the bus station to pay for my breast implants teaching blind kids about self-esteem and haven't had time for any indignity-generating adventures. Plus, I'm getting really, really good at repressing childhood memories. It's actually been a little sad, Patrick Hugheshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06083854039296617106noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5772818.post-1107740769961261622005-02-06T18:37:00.000-05:002005-02-07T22:02:46.386-05:00DIARY OF INDIGNITIES
Manly Adventure
The plan had been to drive over to the east coast, catch a mess of whiting from the surf during the day, eat our fill and then use the rest to attempt to catch a shark from shore that night.
I've never landed a shark outside of a boat; supposedly, it's thrilling, especially if you hook a big bull shark. Enthusiasts will fight those bad motherfuckers from Patrick Hugheshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06083854039296617106noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5772818.post-1107222294933766142005-01-31T20:32:00.000-05:002005-01-31T20:44:54.933-05:00DIARY OF INDIGNITIES
Gentle Traveler, Stride Not Into Yon Lake of Poo Water
He woke up when I was spraying the shaving cream on his crotch, but he never noticed the swastika. I had drawn it on his forehead with a permanent black marker.
He was asking for it. I mean, he had passed out on our floor while we were still coherent enough to fuck with him. This wasn’t Miami, you know? This wasn’t evenPatrick Hugheshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06083854039296617106noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5772818.post-1106500469744506092005-01-23T13:13:00.000-05:002005-01-23T12:14:29.746-05:00UPDATE!
...I'm too busy to update. Hopefully I'll be back with new stuff next week.
In the meantime, why not use this photograph to help you sleep at night?
Sweet dreams.Patrick Hugheshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06083854039296617106noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5772818.post-1104894596433204512005-01-04T21:00:00.000-05:002005-01-05T09:46:51.223-05:00MORE CHRISTMAS FUN
Pimping Out My Sociopathic Family for Laughs, Part Two
Everyone seemed so cheered by the togetherness displayed in the first batch; I thought, "Why not stretch that warm holiday feeling out another week by posting more photos?" I, for one, don't want my cockles cooling off just yet. Do you?
Okay. So, um... We drank this.
And we drank this too. In fact, we refilled this Patrick Hugheshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06083854039296617106noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5772818.post-1104206948053291762004-12-27T21:27:00.000-05:002004-12-31T09:43:04.873-05:00CHRISTMAS FUN
Like a Small Riot, Really, Only with Better Food
I think the photos pretty much speak for themselves, so I'm skipping the intro. I'll try to put them into context on a per-photo basis as best as my shattered psyche will let me.
I will say this, though: God help the fucker who tries to get in between the Hughes family and a good time. God help them.
11:00 A.M. — Arrive at Dad's. Patrick Hugheshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06083854039296617106noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5772818.post-1103650672028691022004-12-21T13:36:00.000-05:002004-12-21T12:37:52.026-05:00TRAGEDY IN THE WAL-MART PARKING LOT
I totally know how that dude feels.
Also, I'm still on hiatus. Quit fuckin' bugging me.Patrick Hugheshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06083854039296617106noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5772818.post-1102938015813956822004-12-13T06:35:00.000-05:002004-12-13T06:40:15.813-05:00DIARY OF INDIGNITIES
Hiatus
I went to an art show last night and saw a girl wearing a single, '80s-style legwarmer. While I'm recovering, there will be no new entries. Check back in a month or so, if you feel inclined.Patrick Hugheshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06083854039296617106noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5772818.post-1101768337672887272004-11-29T17:28:00.000-05:002004-12-06T08:05:56.416-05:00DIARY OF INDIGNITIES
Don’t Eat the Lasagna
How do you know when the holiday season officially kicks off? Around here, it's when my little brother rings me up to tell me you can see a relative’s mugshot online.
See, our other brother got a hold of some of the many aliases used by this chick their uncle married (technically these two are my half-brothers, but seeing as we share a singular love forPatrick Hugheshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06083854039296617106noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5772818.post-1101082180583321552004-11-21T19:09:00.000-05:002004-11-21T19:11:00.856-05:00DIARY OF INDIGNITIES
Girls Never Leave Messages On My Answering Machine (Except for My Crazy Mom)
"Pat, I'm getting into a yelling match with these... idiots. I can't remember the fuckin' names of the British Bulldogs, both of 'em. Please call me back on my phone and tell me, because it's VERY important. I know you know the names of the British Bulldogs. I can only get one, I can't get the other,Patrick Hugheshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06083854039296617106noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5772818.post-1100198368750677702004-11-11T13:26:00.001-05:002008-05-02T22:24:20.660-04:00DIARY OF INDIGNITIESTrue Love? It Depends.I had never really paid any attention to her. She was skinnier than I like 'em, and fucking wore these prepostrous overalls every day. But when I saw her blow a smoke ring out of the gap in her smile that formerly had hosted a tooth, I fell in love with her. A little, anyway.She was smart, and she knew it. She was witty, and quick, and she didn't put up Patrick Hugheshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06083854039296617106noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5772818.post-1099930292730687822004-11-08T10:59:00.000-05:002004-11-08T11:11:32.730-05:00DIARY OF INDIGNITIES
This Is What It's Like Being Me
"Hey Pat, do you remember what happened when we made out that time?"
"Uhhh... Kinda."
"I had a big crush on you, and I was too young to drink, but I was nervous that we were hanging out so I drank a lot, and we were kissing in the front yard..."
"Oh yeah, yeah..."
"And right in the middle of us making out I had to stop."
"Uh oh."
"We were Patrick Hugheshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06083854039296617106noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5772818.post-1099927437622819282004-11-08T10:18:00.000-05:002004-11-08T10:24:50.230-05:00I CAN'T STOP LAUGHING AT THIS PHOTO
Seriously. I'm in tears here. I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me.Patrick Hugheshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06083854039296617106noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5772818.post-1099491065270422892004-11-03T09:09:00.000-05:002004-11-03T09:11:05.270-05:00DIARY OF FATIGUE
"Under democracy, one party always devotes its chief energies to trying to prove that the other party is unfit to rule—and both commonly succeed, and are right." — H. L. MenckenPatrick Hugheshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06083854039296617106noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5772818.post-1099242453874545972004-10-31T11:49:00.000-05:002004-10-31T12:10:52.143-05:00DIARY OF INDIGNITIES
I Sure Do Go to a Lot of Fucking Weddings
So the ceremony is just beginning. We're all sitting outside; most of us looking nice and the rest kind of doing their best. (Jason Black, for example, managed to wear a tie, though it was festooned with a giant skull and paired with his single crutch made him look a little too pirate-y, like Long John Emo or something.) The lovely Patrick Hugheshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06083854039296617106noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5772818.post-1098659728975064092004-10-24T18:43:00.000-04:002004-10-24T21:33:24.776-04:00DIARY OF WHATEVER
Things I Heard My Family Say at My Cousin's Wedding Yesterday
"I liked Bob Dole, but I didn't vote for him. I could never vote for a guy with one arm. What if they ask him to throw out the first pitch?"
"I can take any word and make it negative. Go ahead, try me."
"Okay... 'Nice.'"
"'You've got a nice big fat ass.'"
"So we ended up at this bar where a few of the go-go dancers Patrick Hugheshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06083854039296617106noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5772818.post-1097872680367020962004-10-15T16:35:00.000-04:002004-10-15T18:26:10.806-04:00DIARY OF INDIGNITIES
Still Not Exactly Sure How I've Managed to Not Die. So Far.
November, 1988 — Siphoning gas is a lot harder than it looks on TV. On television shows or in the movies, you just throw that tube in the hole, suck on it real stylish and gentle for a few seconds, and voila — out comes the magic juice everyone loves. In this respect it's a lot like prom night.
But giving that shit Patrick Hugheshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06083854039296617106noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5772818.post-1097244510212278242004-10-08T10:05:00.000-04:002004-10-08T10:08:30.213-04:00SHIT.
Somehow I mananaged to poop out nine whole paragraphs trying to make fun of four lousy sentences I read yesterday at Pitchfork.com. Watch me wade even deeper into the cold waters of bitter, petty loserdom over at Bad News Reviews.Patrick Hugheshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06083854039296617106noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5772818.post-1097188589489484952004-10-07T17:51:00.000-04:002004-10-07T18:36:29.490-04:00DIARY OF INDIGNITIES
Bachelor Parties Suck
I can't say I've never had a good time with strippers. Because, frankly, I have. A really good time.
But for the most part, strippers kind of depress me. Something about the hollow, saccharine tone of voice strippers use while feigning interest in you and trying to separate you from your money... Brrrr. That, and the fact that utilizing their services Patrick Hugheshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06083854039296617106noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5772818.post-1096890361041737992004-10-04T07:29:00.000-04:002004-10-04T13:38:45.183-04:00DIARY OF INDIGNITIES
Chicago
I spent the last few days wandering around Chicago all gap-mouthed, an awestruck hick overwhelmed by a big, crazy city and its douchebag hipsters, terrifying sports fans and the lethal, Ditka-sized portions of meat and cheese they force you to eat everywhere. The occasion was Jon and Melissa's wedding, an unbelievably kick-ass affair featuring an all-star cast of Patrick Hugheshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06083854039296617106noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5772818.post-1096375356636866462004-09-28T08:40:00.000-04:002004-09-28T08:42:36.636-04:00HURRICANE JEANE
No electricity since Sunday. Hopefully we'll resume our regularly scheduled self-flagellation and hijinx sometime next week.Patrick Hugheshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06083854039296617106noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5772818.post-1096047701019727562004-09-24T13:34:00.000-04:002004-09-24T13:44:25.186-04:00SOMETHING NEW
I'm going to attempt to revive the long-neglected Bad News Reviews site by posting reviews of really egregious music and film criticism. God knows those insufferable fancy lads at Pitchfork alone generate enough bad writing to keep this project fueled, but if any of my friends out there in Internet land want to point me to examples of really shitty reviews, I'd appreciate it. The Patrick Hugheshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06083854039296617106noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5772818.post-1095629908690359182004-09-19T16:53:00.000-04:002004-09-20T10:09:20.860-04:00DAVE'S BIRTHDAY
This is Dave. He plays bass for a punk-rock band called Grabass Charlestons. Today is Dave's birthday, and we're having a party.
Dave likes pinball a lot, so sometimes people call him "Replay." Dave also used to live under a staircase. No word if he ever used that opportunity to hassle the Three Billy Goats Gruff.
Jesus... He looks like a cross between Long John Silver and a Patrick Hugheshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06083854039296617106noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5772818.post-1095189311826102152004-09-14T15:14:00.000-04:002004-09-14T15:22:09.910-04:00DIARY OF INDIGNITIES
A Conversation with My Friend and Colleague Lee
This just took place, about a half an hour ago.
Me: "...Well, Mad Magazine served a very important function in my life, and I'll tell you why. As you know I obviously grew up kind of deprived and..."
Lee: "And your family didn't even have forks?"
"Actually... Heh heh, I had kind of forgotten about this, but we didn't have Patrick Hugheshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06083854039296617106noreply@blogger.com