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Dance of the Salted Slug

I make a few brief cameo appearances during the video as a terrified, hulking blob trying to take pics of the madness with a phone without getting too close. Performance conducted as part of Hal McGee's 50th birthday extravaganza.

Bonus! Little Fyodor and Babushka perform "You Give Me Hard On."


More Fyodor
More Hal


Pol Pot: Murderous Tyrant of Evil or Beloved Children's Show Puppeteer? An In-Depth Look.

So Christmas went pretty well this year.

It was pretty mellow. We didn't do Jell-O shots or anything. Just played a lot of Wii. Seven pins, motherfucker!

Dad seemed to like his new nose-hair trimmer.

Lots of holiday spirit to soak up... Plenty of brotherly love.

craig 1
That was a nice change from a few months ago, when I was in Atlanta for a book signing, and me and Craig kind of got into a fight.

craig 2
Craig showed up at the signing kind of drunk, and kept fucking with me. He would choke me and stuff when I was trying to talk to people or sign books, and I ended up kicking him kinda hard once or twice. He left, and I later blocked him on MySpace, and action at once satisfying, childish and oddly modern.

crowd 2
The rest of the event seemed to go OK.

crowd 1
Typical pretentious literary crowd, you know?

A pretty girl with no hands asked me for an autograph.

I declined. I mean, ew.

I was back in Atlanta a few weeks ago for the holidays, meeting up with my swell new girlfriend Cindy for New Year's. She's really great — lives in a cave and has that cool Bubble Boy disease.

Her stepfather yelled at me once, though. "What the hell is wrong with you?" he said. "Can't you drive worth a damn? You've got a 15-foot driveway and a truck maybe 6-feet wide and you back down hugging the edge the whole way?"

I was sort of surprised — the reason I had stuck to one side is because he was over on the other, and I didn't want to run him over. I didn't say anything, though. You don't want to stir things up during the holidays.

This photo was taken the next day, at the Georgia Aquarium, right before I pushed his wheelchair down an escalator.

Atlanta Aquarium (8)
The Georgia Aquarium is really neat. They have a good cafeteria where you can taste all sorts of exotic crabs and fish and whales and stuff they've accidentally killed with incompetence, and, as you can see from this shot, they've hired funnyman Michael Winslow from Police Academy and those Geico commericals to walk around making it sound like various fish are farting or talking to each other in humorous racially stereotyped accents.

katie and the girls
Later we visited with my sister Katie and her lovely family. As a hilarious christmas prank, we called the cops and told them the neighbors have a meth lab in their basement. (The neighbors are Jews.)

niece claire and sister kate
My niece Claire is a delightful princess. Happily, she was born with a small octopus growing out of her torso.

niece sarah
In contrast, young Sarah is a dangerous monster, frequently covered in scabs and dried mucus, who loves beheading playful monkeys.

During supper I noticed Sarah picking her nose, really going for it, and said, "Hey kiddo — Whatcha doin'? Digging for gold?"
"No. Boogers," she replied.
"Ah, that was really more of a rhetorical..."
"I like to eat them!"
"I don't think..."
"Mommy says not to but I do it anyway!"
"Well don't let me interfere. Please, carry on." (She had a knife.)

After supper Claire and Sarah teamed up to humiliate me. First they rubbed my elbows with handfuls of psoriasis, then forced me to eat handfuls of butter until I became rather fat.

sarah and me
As I staggered under the additional weight, Sarah seized the opportunity to pluck a random selection of hairs from the top of my scalp.

mister gay uncle pat
The indignities didn't stop there, of course. This photo, for example, captures the moment a child named Eloise decided I was no longer Uncle Pat. From then on, I was to be known as Mister Gay Uncle Pat.

todd and leila
On New Year's Eve Cindy and I went out for Korean BBQ with Eloise's heavily medicated parents, Todd and Leila.

korean bbq aftermath

eloise and clametta
Here Eloise shows off her friend Clametta, freshly rescued from Cindy's soup and decorated with a festive New Year's coat of lipstick.

"I think I want to return Clametta to the sea," Eloise said.
"Baby, me and your mom might take care of that while you're sleeping tonight, OK?" Todd said.
"Hmmm, I don't know..."
"Hey, I've got an idea!" Leila said. "Eloise, how would you like it if we took Clametta out into the parking lot after supper and blew her up? Just smashed her into a million pieces?"
"Ummm... Yes! Hooray!"
Call me sentimental, but I've always thought the delight in a child's eyes during moments such as these encapsulates the real spirit of Christmas.

hot babe
Sadly, The Clametta Experiment turned horribly wrong as a piece of the shell pierced Cindy's bubble. Turns out she has trouble breathing outside of that thing.

mister gay uncle pat 2


We're All Gonna Die

Please put that shit out.



Halloween: Reading in Gainesville


Mo Pitkins House of Satisfaction at 7 PM, with the talented and handsome Dallas Hudgens, author of Drive Like Hell and Season of Gene. Free, some kinda drink minimum. Hopefully Dallas will dazzle and charm, because lord knows I'm a goddamn trainwreck.


Employee Productivity Report for Sept. 24-28: Patrick Hughes

"Don't call me Andie-Poo."
"Why not? It sounds cute."
"I don't like having 'poo' inserted anywhere in my name."
"I don't like it!"
"C'mon. Andie-Poo."
"No! What if I called you Patty-Poo?"
"I'm OK with that. I'm secure in my masculinity."
"If you call me that I'll... I'll..."
"You'll what?"
"I'll fix you with a stealthy gaze."
"A... What? A stealthy gaze? How is that a deterrent?"
"Shut up."
"I mean, depending on how stealthy you make it, I won't even notice."
"Shut up!"

"You know what group is known for their stealthy gaze? The ninja."
"The ninja are very stealthy in all aspects of their lives, Andie-Poo."

"The eagle is also renowned for its stealthy gaze. It fixes its stealthy gaze upon hapless prey."
"Please shut up."
"But it's biology!"

viking cyclops
"What are you drawing? What is that?"
"I, um, I started on a Viking, to illustrate how a gaze could be fierce and stealthy at the same time, and the Viking reminded me of the dread Cyclops, because they, uh, both lived during the Mesozoic era. Anyway, when you're talking gaze, you gotta have Cyclops in there. That bitch ain't nuthin' but gaze."
"Don't say the b-word."

"Possibly the only creature with more overall gaze than the Cyclops is your Crawling Eye Monster."
"Please stop this."
"Crawling Eye Monster, Andrea. Steeeaaalthy gaaaaze."
"Crawling. Eye. Monster."

"Some people mistake the gaze of the frog for sleepy, but in actuality it's quite stealthy."
"I'm not talking to you."
"Look carefully and you'll learn, Andie. Stealthy — not sleepy!"
"You're going to get us in trouble."
"I learned about the frog's gaze from television."
"I told you — I'm not talking to you!"
"If it's on television it must be true."

"Finally, we come to the narwhal. Feel the power of its stealthy gaze. See how the crab flees? Sure, he doesn't want to get poked with that tusk, but he's not exactly a fan of the narwhal's stealthy, stealthy gaze, either. You know?"
"I hate you."
"I'm just trying to impart some hard-won wisdom here, Andie."
"I hate you."
"I'm reaching out here."
"I hate you."
"Stealthy gaze!"
"I hate you. Patty-Poo."

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